Fear of Rejection
by Liv Wilder
Summary: Post-ep for 3x13 "Knockdown."
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: As with a lot of stories, the inspiration for this one came from a photograph I came across, one that reminded me of Beckett. That photo is the cover art for this story and can also be seen on Twitter. This story is sixteen chapters long, set around the time of 3x13 "Knockdown," and all sixteen chapters have been written. I'll probably post them a day or two apart to give people time to read before moving the story on. Hope you'll join me for the ride. Liv_

* * *

 _Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 1_

When he burst in through the door, she was standing side-on, framed by the large picture window. Dry leaves, like curled hands, tumbled in behind him, scuttling across the wooden floor with a papery sound not unlike whispered gossip at a cocktail party. But the scene before him was worlds away from that.

With his breath held, Castle took in the swaddled bundle in her arms. His heart began to hammer when he spotted the swell of her postpartum belly beneath the drape of the blanket and the loose-fitting plaid shirt that hung from her shoulders. Her hair was shorter, her curls cropped to a long bob that broke on the collar of the red and black lumberjack shirt. A navy bouncer seat decorated with white elephants sat to one side of the unadorned window, a window that gave unobstructed views out over the green expanse of trees and the cool, clear lake beyond.

The leather soles of his shoes made a scraping sound where the varnish had worn off the boards near the door when he crossed the threshold to step inside, and she turned at the noise, alarm tightening the tired lines of her face.

"C… _Castle_?" she croaked, her voice so dry and rough from lack of use that she had to clear her throat just to utter his name. This rhetorical question managed to sound both surprised and guilty at the same time, because that he was here, in front of her, was empirically beyond doubt. Yet still she spoke his name with the tenor of an uncertain question.

He watched as she moved the bundle just a hair's breadth closer, cradling the baby just a fraction tighter against the fullness of her chest. Though he couldn't swear that he wasn't being paranoid, this tiny detail skewered him right in the gut. He wasn't the enemy here. He wasn't a threat.

Was he?

* * *

He closed the door quietly behind him, and the light in the large room dimmed just a little. Kate stayed where she was, although she began to move from side-to-side, swaying with the tiny bundle in her arms as she started to hum.

"How did you find me?" she eventually asked, breaking off the improvised lullaby to pose the question. Her body maintained its perpetual motion, keeping tempo like the pendulum-swing of a metronome.

Castle had remained just inside the door, a study of silence, taking the few moments before she yelled or ordered him to leave to inspect her surroundings. He used every second he believed he had left to absorb all the information he could about her temporary home before she threw him out, as he was certain she would. So her question caught him off guard.

He removed the dark baseball cap he was wearing and ruffled his flattened hair with his free hand. Then he dangled the ball cap from his fingers and glanced down at the floor. "Your dad," he admitted, nodding to himself, his lips a tight, determined line. "But don't be mad at him," he hastened to add, tearing his gaze away from the hard bill of his cap to glance up at her. "I made him tell me, Beckett. I made him," he repeated quietly, fleetingly meeting her eyes.

" _You—_ " Kate's sharp intake of breath startled the baby, and he began to squeak as if building up to cry. "Shh, shh," she changed tack to whisper, soothing the infant with more rocking and a gentle bouncing motion so intuitive that it made Castle want to weep.

He watched her expertly calm her child, until the little scrap snuffled and sighed his way back to sleep. "Beckett, I had to see you. I need to talk to you. We can't just ignore what happened and—"

"Can't we?" Kate demanded, turning slightly towards him for the first time. She watched the baby, her gaze so soft and tender, ensuring the child was still sleeping, before she redirected her attention to her erstwhile partner. "I thought you were doing a pretty good job of ignoring everything. So what's changed?"

"You have a child…a…a _baby_ ," he stammered, sounding like an awestruck moron by stating the obvious.

"I have to admit, you've still got it, Sherlock." Her reply, loaded with sarcasm, stung. "It's good to see some things don't change."

Castle closed his eyes and rubbed his neck. "I'm sorry," he said, and the look on his face was so honestly heartbreaking that she caught herself right before she eviscerated him, mentally backing down. "I really am sorry, Kate."

And Oh God, her name on that man's lips. Still, the effect he had on her.

"We both made mistakes," she admitted, still somewhat grudging but digging deep to be as magnanimous as she could, given her deep sense of abandonment.

"Still, seems I've been the bigger jackass this time." He cleared his throat.

Kate emitted a wry chuckle that seemed to surprise even her. "I won't fight you on that," she agreed, offering him a twitch of her lips as reward.

* * *

Out of nowhere, the baby began to fuss, and Kate danced on the spot once more. However, this time he wouldn't be placated by her gentle rocking motion or by the sound of his mother's ad libbed melody.

Castle observed the scene, fingers itching to intervene, as his tough homicide detective partner gingerly lifted her newborn up onto her shoulder and turned to face him. "I have to feed him," she said, as if practiced in the art of new motherhood already: in the art of managing well-meaning visitors - the curious, the caring, the gift-bearing and the downright interfering – when time came for the unglamorous side of parenting to kick in.

Castle bit his lip at the implication that it might be time for him to go already. But he had too much to lose by giving in to her tough-girl stare. He had too much to lose by doing her bidding this time; by turning around and getting into his car and driving back to his comfortable, dull, lonely, city life. He was in too deep to give in to this subtle, yet firm, request she was making, as she rubbed her baby's back and stared him out.

"I'll…I'll just go sit over there. And wait," he said, lifting the hand that held his cap to indicate the armchair in the corner. "I'll be quiet. You won't even know I'm here."

Kate watched him warily. The biggest cause of all their problems for all the years they'd known one another was this – a failure to communicate. Specifically, it was a failure to say exactly what they meant or to ask for what they wanted. For the first time, Castle used Kate's failure to articulate her desire - that he leave, now - to his own advantage. He brazened it out. He took four steps and he sat down heavily in the faded plaid armchair, and then he laid his ball cap on his knee. The implication was clear: he was going nowhere until they talked and she would just have to deal with it.

"Fine," she huffed after several seconds of uncomfortable silence, her displeasure shot through the rigid line of her jaw and spine like rebar.

He expected her to leave the room, so he was surprised when she picked a burp cloth off a neat stack sitting in a pretty wicker basket on the kitchen counter, and then settled with her fussing baby on the two-seater sofa opposite. When she unbuttoned the front of her white Henley and unclipped her nursing bra to offer the hungry baby her breast, he felt his face grow hot and he didn't know where to look, something he would readily admit if asked.

The sounds of the baby suckling seemed to fill the entire ground floor of the cabin. That a three week old could guzzle so greedily, so noisily from his mother's breast filled Castle with wonder. Alexis had been bottle fed from day one to protect Meredith's "assets" and her career. Perhaps as a result, she had never been particularly enthusiastic when it came to feeds. So the lip-smacking sounds and the lusty, hungry grunts this tiny human emitted would have been comical were it not for the tension stretched tight as piano wire between his mom and the writer.

After a time, Castle felt himself relaxing and getting used to sitting opposite his partner while she performed this most beautiful, female and selfless of functions. He noticed her bare feet, toes painted emerald green, and her right leg, as it bounced along to the rhythm of the baby's breath sounds. Gradually he got braver. He raised his eyes from floor level to study the surface of the coffee table that sat between them. A pale blue pacifier lay, teat up, next to a cloth baby book and, bizarrely, a copy of the _NYPD's Forensic Biology Training Manual_. A mug of tea, with the bag still inside, that had undoubtedly gone cold, sat alongside the book, and this was where Castle saw his in – breastfeeding mothers got thirsty, they were tired, they struggled to do two things at once when the baby was latched on and falling asleep on the job, as Beckett junior now appeared to be.

"Can I make you a fresh cup of chamomile?" Castle asked, startling both of them with the sound of his deep voice in the stillness of the old cabin.

Kate took her time, gently prizing the baby's wet little mouth off one breast and then deftly switching sides to tease his pink cheek with the tip of her pinkie finger. The baby woke up and rooted around, missing her nipple a couple of times, before he hit his intended target and latched back on.

Castle, unaware he had lost all sense of propriety and was now opening staring, visibly jumped when Kate said, "Nothing you haven't seen before."

She sounded more amused than scolding, for which he was grateful. Nonetheless, he felt his face flame and he quickly lowered his eyes to the floor once more; the safest view in the entire room. But she appeared so peaceful and so beautiful, nursing her son in the warmth of a shaft of dusty, mid-morning light. He wanted to say something, to tell her how amazing she looked because he doubted anyone else saw her like he did. More than that, he hoped no one else ever did.

* * *

She wasn't wrong when she said "Nothing you haven't seen before." Nine months earlier, after their ruse of a kiss in an alley to save the lives of Ryan and Esposito, they had finally given in to the sexual attraction that had swirled around them like a thick fog since the day they met. They closed the case, and then, without any preamble or discussion, they had ended up at Kate's apartment. They barely made it to the bedroom before she stripped off her clothes, climbed his naked body and he pushed his way inside her, trapping her arms high above her head as they scrabbled for bare flesh and panted for breath. Their desperate need for one another meant the entire act was over in a breathless, shuddering matter of minutes. As much as Castle had long-envisioned something slower, more tender, prolonged and loving, the excitement of possessing Kate Beckett, and being possessed by her, tipped him over the edge in record time, no matter how hard he had tried to slow things down.

So, yes, he had seen her breasts before. In fact, he had sucked those very nipples hard enough to make her writhe beneath him on her own sheets while keening his name...right before he succumbed to the biggest attack of the guilts when morning came, and he slunk out of her apartment, half-dressed, at 5am.

He was on cloud nine for about the length of time it took for him to wash himself off her in bathroom afterwards, before he spent a restless few hours in her bed worrying about her doctor boyfriend and what this night would mean for every one of them going forward. He wasn't a cheater, and he wouldn't be party to a deception. If they were to have a future, Josh Davidson needed to be told at the earliest opportunity. Until that was done, he vowed to stay out of Kate's way, to give her space. If she wanted him, she'd come to him once she was free. Because as wonderful as that night had been, they had begun things on the wrong foot. After holding back for years, they had given in to a moment of weakness that he intended to help them correct.

So for the next few days he stayed away from the Twelfth. But as with so many gestures in their relationship, this too was misconstrued by Kate, who had awoken with a smile on her face only to roll over and find the bed next to her cold and empty. This emptiness felt, and easily read, like rejection. Coupled with the absence of her partner from the precinct and a distinct lack of coffee the following day and in the days after, she took two and two and she chopped it up to make five.

When Castle finally showed up at the end of that week, the sight that met him sent him into a tailspin that would only end a few days ago. Rounding the corner, he came across Kate and Josh Davidson talking quietly against a wall. He stopped to watch where he couldn't be seen, and the look on Josh's face when he leaned down to kiss her cheek and then tucked her hair behind her ear seemed to say it all. He turned around, dumped both coffee cups in the trash, and headed down three flights of stairs without ever looking back.

Until a couple of days ago, he had shut down the Kate Beckett part of his life completely. He had pulled up the draw bridge, ignored the few calls that came in, deleted the voicemails she left, forbade his mother and daughter from answering the door and then he burned the single letter she sent in his stainless steel sink with the cleansing flame of a jasmine scented candle of his mother's, all without even opening the envelope.

He was a jealous, weak, heart-broken ass. He had had a taste of nirvana, and instead of standing up and fighting for what he wanted, for the woman he was in love with, for the one person who meant more to him in this world than any other relationship ever had, he ran and he hid and he licked his wounds in private. But in taking care of himself, he had abandoned Kate. He had abandoned Kate and, it turned out, walked away from so much more.

* * *

 _Note: I'm not usually a baby-fic person but that photo...ugh! As I said, this one's all written, so the next chapter will be up in a day or two. My thanks go to WRTRD once more for her chapter-by-chapter support for this one._


	2. Chapter 2

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 2_

 _A Couple of Days Earlier_

"Alexis! Come on, I'm leaving for my meeting. If you want a ride, I need you down here now."

Martha covered her ears and shook her head. "Darling, do you have to yell?" she winced, drifting from the stove to the kitchen island to pour herself a large mug of black coffee.

"Hung over again, mother?" Castle tutted.

"Insomnia still a problem, Richard?" his mother rebutted, archly.

Sniping at one another had become something of a way of life recently, disrupting the harmony of their multi-generational home. The writer found his mother's niggles exhausting and objectionable, particularly when he'd taken her in as an act of kindness. He reached for his _Moleskine_ notebook and the fountain pen that sat atop the counter and packed them away in the depths of his messenger bag along with a stack of photocopies he'd made at New York Public Library. The file contained important research material for his meeting at Black Pawn.

He ignored her dig this time, shrugging on his jacket at the same time as yelling, "Alexis, _now!_ " while his mother visibly flinched away from the source of noise. "What makes you say that?" he asked at normal volume, when curiosity got the better of him.

"Oh, I don't know," his mother replied, airily. "Maybe it's the midnight trips out here to make tea or the frantic writing sessions at three in the morning that leave you looking exhausted and grouchy as—"

" _Alexis!_ Final warning," Castle bellowed. "I'm leaving without you if you're not down here in two."

Martha grinned smugly, despite her headache, and wafted a hand in her son's direction. "Need I say more?"

Castle turned a look of irritation on his mother. "Please don't. I've heard enough."

After a second or two of awkward silence, in which Castle fiddled with his necktie and his mother sipped her coffee, Martha risked stealing the last word. "You know, it's never too late to call her," she said, as gently as she could. Her expression had softened a little, but for some reason she wouldn't meet his eye.

Castle sighed. "Call who? I don't know what you're talking about. And now I'm going to be late for my pitch meeting for the pirate kings project."

Martha rolled her eyes. " _Pirates?_ Really, darling? How old are you? Stick with Nikki Heat and give up this swashbuckling, love on the high-seas nonsense."

"It's historical fiction, mother. There's a big market for it," he argued back.

Martha got straight to the heart of the matter with her astute rejoinder. "Not when your heart's not in it, there isn't."

Alexis appeared at the top of the stairs, finally easing Castle's misery and, as luck would have it, giving him an out from having to respond to the truth in his mother's words.

"Ready to go?" the teen asked brightly, as she bounded down the stairs with a heavy backpack on her shoulder.

"I was ready ten minutes ago," Castle muttered. "Say goodbye to Grams or we'll be late."

Alexis kissed Martha on the cheek and then followed her father to the door, commenting, "Someone got out of bed on the wrong side this morning."

"And someone can keep their opinions to themselves if they want a ride to school. Now, let's go," he said, ushering his tutting daughter out into the hallway.

* * *

After parking in a Midtown garage, Castle walked the last two blocks to the offices of _Black Pawn Publishing_. He stopped in front of the building at a curbside newsstand to buy a pack of gum. The front page of the _Daily News_ caught his eye with its lurid headline and a picture of Colonel Qaddafi splashed across the cover. He resisted the urge to purchase a copy, grabbing a pack of spearmint _Extra_ and a bag of _Bazzini_ peanuts instead, before hurrying in through the entranceway to the lobby just as light rain began to fall.

He chanted bits and pieces of his pitch presentation to himself as he ran to catch the elevator. Unlike days of yore, when he was lauded by his publisher as their biggest cash cow, he now had to sit and wait in reception while Gina took her own sweet time to assemble the team that were to meet with him to hear his pitch for a new type of novel; a complete departure from Nikki Heat. On some level he knew this punishment was payback for his own stubbornness. But that didn't make it any more palatable, and he was damned if he was going to take ownership of Gina's petty slight.

Paula arrived, and when he complained to his outspoken agent about being made to wait, she reminded him, none too subtly, that it was all his own fault. It was his own fault for ditching the publisher's most popular, and therefore most profitable character-based crime thriller series for "this crazy-assed pirate idea," as she insisted on calling his newest creation.

"Just take another pass at Nikki Heat, will ya'?" she urged, not for the first time. "You followed that Beckett chick around like a lovesick puppy for years, Ricky. You must have more cases for her and Rook tucked away in a notebook somewhere. _Please?_ You'd be making all our lives easier," she begged, pursing her red lips and flashing a quick glance in the direction of Gina's office.

Castle watched his ex-wife through the plate glass of her office wall as she berated some poor subordinate for what was most likely a minor infraction. "I'm done with Nikki," he muttered, darkly. "Don't ever mention her again," he added, picking up a rumpled copy of the _Daily News_ that lay folded on the coffee table in front of him to signal an end to their discussion.

"Don't say I didn't warn you, Ricky," Paula drawled. "You still owe her a book. She doesn't like this Captain Ahab thing, and you're screwed."

He heard her crack her gum as she sashayed away in a tight pencil skirt and ridiculous heels. Her jet-black hair was pulled back into a tight and unflattering ponytail, a kind of bizarre, non-surgical facelift. " _Captain Ahab's not a pirate!_ " he called after her, quickly ducking his head to read the newspaper when the young receptionist stared in alarm at him over the top of her desk for this unexpected outburst amid _Black Pawn's_ temple of calm.

* * *

Minutes ticked by and Castle lost himself in the gossip and scandal of the _New York Daily News_. He pored over the Metro section to pass the time, burying his simmering resentment at being kept waiting within the paper's inky pages. He was just about to move on when one particular headline caught his eye.

The headline read: _"NYPD's Top Cop Hangs Up Holster to Play Mommy."_ Beneath the attention-grabbing headline was a grainy photo of Kate Beckett taken on the steps of the Twelfth over a year ago.

Castle scrubbed a hand over his face and readjusted his position on the sofa, lurching forward to concentrate on the meat of the short puff piece. It went on for a few lines beneath the headline that had drawn him to the story, a headline that had initially grabbed his attention with a sense of some umbrage, since he immediately assumed they were referring to another NYPD officer as "Top Cop," and not to Kate. Old habits die hard and old loyalties died even harder if you're Richard Castle.

The story read:

 _One of New York's Finest, and the inspiration for the fictional crime-fighting heroine, Nikki Heat, has given birth to a baby boy. The child, as yet unnamed, was actually born three weeks ago at New York's Downtown Hospital weighing in at a healthy 7lbs 4oz. NYPD's PR department managed to keep their top detective's hospital stay a secret, giving the new mom time to pack up and leave town before the news broke._

 _Katherine Beckett, the youngest women to ever make detective in this city, is currently on maternity leave, with no clear indication how long she'll be off crime-fighting duty._

 _When contacted, her Captain, Roy Montgomery, said the department and her fellow cops wished her well in her role as new mommy and he requested that she be given privacy to spend time getting to know her son. When reached by phone, her representative refused to respond to persistent rumors swirling around the city that the baby's father is in fact her one-time partner and the creator of the Nikki Heat series, the novelist, Richard Castle. Watch this space folks and we'll keep you posted. In the meantime, we wish Detective Beckett and her baby well._

* * *

Castle sat back, stunned. He clutched the grimy newspaper in his hands, staring at the smudged photo of Beckett while his mind swirled like dirty water down a drain. He tried to take a breath, but his heart lay heavy as a stone in his chest, squeezing the life out of his lungs. When he finally managed to suck in some air, he thought he might actually vomit. In a daze, he reached inside his jacket for the pack of spearmint _Extra_ he had purchased downstairs, unwrapping a stick without seeing and stuffing the neon yellow gum into his watering mouth without even tasting. After a moment's pause, he shot to his feet, startling the receptionist. He was fumbling in his pocket for his cell phone when Gina finally swept out of her office to greet him.

He stared at his contacts list, ignoring the sound of Gina's heels getting closer and closer. He touched the screen, highlighting Beckett's contact details, something he hadn't done in months. He paused with his finger poised. His heart was pounding. For some reason he felt that he had only one chance to get this right. Whatever he did next could make a massive difference to his future. Massive. He desperately wanted to know the truth, but if he went in all guns blazing at Beckett, she was likely to shut him down. He knew that from past experience - like a wild animal, she didn't respond well when she was cornered.

So he took a deep breath, and he dialed with one hand while waving the pages of the _Daily News_ at his bewildered ex-wife with the other hand. "Did you know about this?" he demanded, breaking off and turning his back on her the instant the call connected.

"Mr. Beckett? Jim? Yes, hi. It's Rick Castle, sir."

He ignored the increasingly desperate threats Gina threw at him as he skidded back across the marble reception area to the elevator. "I'll be there in fifteen minutes," he promised into the phone. "Please, sir. You've got to believe me. This is the first I've heard."

These were the last words Gina overheard before the elevator doors closed.

* * *

 _Thank you for the welcoming response to this story. Hope everyone's having a good weekend._


	3. Chapter 3

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 3_

Castle rushed straight over to Centre Street to meet Jim Beckett in a coffee shop on the corner of Foley Square. The silver-haired lawyer was on a lunch break from court, and Castle found him sitting alone at a table by the window nursing a cappuccino and the remains of a grilled cheese sandwich. The writer slid into the booth seat opposite and gently laid the rumpled copy of the _Daily News_ on the table in front of him.

Castle's gesture was performed with all the care and gravitas of an item being entered into evidence, a fact that wasn't lost on a legal man Jim Beckett. The lawyer watched as his daughter's former partner smoothed his hand over this personal lightening bolt of a story, and then tapped the tiny photo of Kate.

"First I hear I might have a son and it's in a rag like this?"

Anger, hurt and humiliation simmered through his words, though he fought hard to contain his emotions. His brain understood that Beckett's father wasn't at fault here, but his heart was hammering at having to challenge the man and his fingers left damp marks where he had touched the wrinkled newsprint.

Jim Beckett took his time wiping his mouth with a paper napkin and then he pushed his lunch aside. "Don't you think you might be speaking to the wrong person, son?"

Castle felt his eyes fill with tears, and he looked out through the window at the grass and trees beyond to give himself a minute. He breathed slowly through his nose, collecting himself before answering. "She chose Josh," he said quietly, his throat constricting around the heart surgeon's name. "So I did the right thing for once. I gave her the space she always wanted…stayed out of their way."

Jim sipped his coffee and then cleared his throat. "You want something?" he asked the writer, as a young waitress sailed close enough to their table to hail.

Castle shook his head, both dejected and distracted by his own misery, eventually managing to mutter, "No," for politeness sake.

Jim leaned in. "Son, I can see that you're upset, but—"

" _Upset?_ " Castle repeated, raising his voice in incredulity. "Did you read this? Have you read this?" he demanded, shoving the newspaper across the marble tabletop at the lawyer.

Calmly, Jim laid a hand on the article, but he kept his eyes trained on his daughter's former partner. "I don't have to read it to know what it says. Their scumbag so-called journalists have been nosing around since before she went into labor."

At the thought of Kate in labor – his brain hadn't taken him that far down the track yet – he covered his mouth with his hand and swallowed hard. Jim Beckett watched as tears began to run down the writer's cheeks. The silence between them was a roaring hot mix of embarrassment and pity.

"We'll take a couple of black coffees over here," Jim nodded to the waitress, giving Castle a moment to compose himself.

"You didn't know any of this, I'm going to assume from the look on your face?" he quietly clarified with Castle.

The writer shook his head, untrusting of his ability to speak. He whipped out a handkerchief and quickly blew his nose.

"Must be a shock."

"You're telling me," Castle ground out. The words were steeped in sarcasm that he regretted that same instant. "What can you tell me?" he asked the older Beckett, forcing himself to calm down and meet the man's surprisingly kind eyes.

"I think it's better you discuss the ins and outs with her. I'll tell you that much," Jim replied, to Castle's immediate frustration. But he held his hand up before the writer could interrupt and added, "Suffice to say the doctor has been off the scene for months now."

* * *

Castle thanked the waitress when a piping hot mug of strong coffee was placed in front of him. He cupped his hands around the warm porcelain, drawing comfort from the heat. Thoughtful silence had followed Jim's revelation about Josh. Castle felt confused by the information on one hand and then hopeful the next second. His mind was in turmoil. He couldn't hold on to one feeling for long before it got crowded out by something new.

"And Kate…how is she?" he eventually asked, feeling his heart twist in his chest at even the use of her name, a name he had been trying to blot from his mind for months now. An act of utter futility, as it turned out.

Jim smiled a genuine, happy smile for the first time since Castle had sat down. "She's doing pretty good. Better than. Motherhood suits her," he added, watching Castle's face intently.

"Good," Castle murmured, clutching his warm mug like an anchor while forcing a smile that felt tight and unnatural. "That's…I'm happy for her," he added.

This grimace of a smile quickly flatlined with a snap like a rubber band as the reality of his situation flooded back in - that Kate sounded like some acquaintance he was asking after, that he knew nothing of her life over the previous months, which had included the momentous events of a pregnancy and birth while his back had been stubbornly turned. To get his head around that was nearly impossible.

He genuinely felt glad that Kate was happy, that was the truth. Even now he would have done anything for her. That was the price of the unbreakable, inexplicable bond he suffered with this woman. But not to be the cause of her happiness or even to be a part of her life in any way was unbearably hard to face up to, even by himself. That the reason she was happy was because of her baby was something Castle was unable to process at this point, so swathed was he in his own shroud of misery.

It was as if his brain had tricked him all those months ago, telling him, _'Hey, don't worry. You might have walked away, but her life is on pause. It's set in jello. You can come back any time you want and Kate Beckett will stay the same, just exactly as you left her.'_ Only nothing could be farther from the truth.

But the most depressing thing, when he examined his own life, was that his _had_ been on pause. His routines had narrowed, his social life had shrunk, he'd struggled to write at all. He was waiting for something, only he hadn't known what that something was, until now.

* * *

Jim put his coffee mug down and focused his attention on the sad looking man across from him. "As I said, you need to go talk to her, son. Make things right. I don't know what went on between you and I don't want to know. But if you've felt alone these last months without her, and I'm guessing from your face that you have...just imagine how she felt. First time motherhood and all. No mother of her own to consult…no _partner_ to support her," he added, pointedly. "It's been a difficult time."

And in a split second, with these few words, it was as if a switch had been flipped and a lightbulb came on. Suddenly Castle could see more than his own pity and pain. He could see beyond it. He leaned closer to Jim, his pulse quickening at the thought of some positive action he might be able to take to eradicate these feelings of uselessness. "You…you think she'll want to talk to me?" he asked, allowing just a hint of hope into his voice.

"I think she'll have no choice when you show up at that cabin with your cap in your hand," Jim replied, cryptically. His eyes danced with a kind of mischief that appeared to be speaking directly to the writer.

Castle absorbed this advice, nodding to himself, before he looked up and added, "Thanks for the coffee, Jim. I know you're busy, so I won't take up any more of your time."

He gathered up the newspaper and eased out of his seat, his mind already formulating a speech and a strategy for the way ahead.

"You'll be needing this, son," Jim Beckett said, sliding a small piece of paper across the table towards the writer.

Castle looked at the note, which had an upstate address written on it, and then he smiled for what felt like the first time in months. "Thanks…Grandpa," he tried out gingerly, giving the older man a wink.

Jim Beckett stood up to give Castle a hug, laughing as he did so. "Katie loves calling me that too," he admitted, clapping the writer on the back. "Gets a real kick out of watching me squirm. Even on the phone it's grandpa this, grandpa that…" he reported with obvious pride.

Castle offered Mr. Beckett a parting salute, adding, "Well, it sure looks good on you, Jim. It was great to see you," before turning to leave.

He was halfway out of the coffee shop before he slammed to a halt, then turned and came hurrying back to the table. "Sorry. I forgot to ask. Does the baby have a name?" He raised the folded newspaper and then let it drop to slap against his thigh, adding, "Article didn't say."

Jim nodded, grinning with pride once more. "She called him James, after me and her paternal grandfather. James Alexander," he added, watching Castle's face for a reaction.

The writer's eyebrows shot up. " _Alexander?_ Did…did she say why?"

Jim shook his head, an enigmatic smile on his lips. "Didn't say that I can recall. But I like it. It's…strong. And honest. Don't you think? Fitting…somehow."

Castle nodded, breaking into a smile of his own. "It's strong alright. Thanks again for this," he said, waving the note with the address written on it, before he turned to leave the café in a hurry.

* * *

Castle slept little that night or the night after that. All the questions he had omitted to ask Jim Beckett returned to haunt him in the wee hours between midnight and dawn, when his restless tossing was at its worst. The baby had remained an abstract concept up until the moment he'd asked Kate's dad about the boy's name. So he hadn't thought to badger Jim for more details or to enquire whether the man had a photo of the infant on his phone, which he surely had. In lieu of fact, his imagination conjured up a mental picture, using the scant details cribbed from the _Daily News_ article and his years of studying Kate Beckett, until he knew her face better than his own. But this composite fairytale baby only made him yearn for more truth and hard facts. His mind and body were exhausted by it all.

Since his mother and Alexis seemed oblivious to the newspaper article, he kept the previous couple of days' revelations to himself, turning in before ten with the excuse of needing an early start the next day.

In the half-light of dawn he rolled onto his side, reaching for the cool pillow next to him and crushing it to his chest. James Alexander? That was surely a sign. The tiny spark of hope that he'd been quietly nurturing inside since meeting Kate's dad the day before, fizzed to life. His racing thoughts made him too restless to sleep, so he dumped the pillow and got up, immediately heading for the shower.

Kate's unpredictability and their months of estrangement made him reach for an overnight bag from the floor of his closet once he was shaved and dressed. He stuffed it with a change of clothes, a sweater, underwear and socks, his shaving kit, phone charger and a toothbrush. As a last minute thought he went into his office and grabbed a tiny teddy bear of Alexis' called Albert. The plush bear had sat on the corner of Castle's desk for as long as he could remember. Looking at it now, as he carefully placed Albert inside his leather overnighter, he had the distinct feeling that this little bear was about to meet his destiny.

* * *

 _Thank you for reading._


	4. Chapter 4

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 4_

By the time Kate had finished feeding her son, Castle had the stovetop kettle whistling like an old steam train. Distractedly, he made two mugs of chamomile tea, keeping one eye on the scalding hot water and the other eye on the face of the tiny baby peering owlishly at him over his mom's shoulder while she burped him.

Castle's eyes grew wide and he laughed aloud in surprise when the baby released a loud belch of gas. The sound seemed to ricochet like a gunshot in the sleepy quiet of the cabin.

"Good boy," he found himself saying, congratulating the baby for his burping success.

He saw Kate turn slightly to look at him, the baby gingerly balanced against her shoulder. She even threw him a hint of a smile as she rolled her eyes. He'd missed this eye-rolling gesture of hers, despite the fun it usually poked in his direction. He'd missed it so much and yet he'd forgotten it until now. How time dulls the memory, even of those we love.

"Boys," he was sure he heard her mutter in amusement, tut-tutting as she turned back around, continuing to pat and rub firm circles on the baby's back.

In shock, or perhaps in pain, the baby began to cry. His face turned red as a beet and his lower lip quivered. Somehow a fist found its way into his glossy little mouth, and then he headbutted his mother with the ungainly wobble of his too-heavy head on his tiny neck.

At this point Kate stood up. She had the lemon-colored burp cloth draped over her shoulder and the baby braced against her chest. Her left hand was propped beneath her son's padded rear for support.

"Sometimes helps if I walk while I do this," she explained, pacing away across the open-plan living room-come-kitchen towards the far wall.

"You don't have to explain," Castle replied quietly, watching her for a second or two until he forced his focus back to their steeping mugs of tea.

"You must think I'm doing this all wrong," she surprised him by saying next. Kate Beckett wasn't prone to self-doubt, not that she ever let on, not in Castle's experience anyway. So this was new and kind of touching too.

Castle dropped the teaspoon he was holding and it clattered against a saucer, splashing tea on the counter and scaring all three of them. "Sorry," he mumbled, mopping up the spilled liquid while Kate soothed the startled baby.

In a certain light, Kate's statement could be viewed as encompassing far more than simply the maternal tasks of feeding and burping. It could be seen as a pretty open-ended invitation to comment on more of her recent life choices, were one brave or stupid enough to do so.

 _'Doing all what wrong?'_ Castle wanted to ask, though he managed to refrain from uttering these words aloud. She might have admitted to a little uncertainty, but he could guarantee she wouldn't welcome being questioned on any perceived weakness, no matter how big an opening she'd just given him.

He carried the pair of mugs over to the coffee table and settled himself down on the sofa before he said anything more. Kate was over by the wooden staircase, so he raised his voice a little to make sure she could hear him. "I don't think you're doing anything wrong, Beckett. You're out here alone with a newborn…" he shrugged and took a sip of his tea. "Seems pretty—"

" _Stupid?_ " Kate inserted for him, as she bounced on the spot with the baby hugged to her chest.

"I was actually going to say self-sufficient. And brave too," he added, magnanimously.

It had crossed his mind that as a first time mother it might not be the smartest thing to be out in the woods alone with a newborn. But this was Kate Beckett, and the one thing he knew she valued most of all was her independence. He'd rather chew off his own foot than attempt to criticize her for deciding to get out of the city right now, especially with a scrum of reporters on her tail.

The baby's head lolled to one side as he drifted off to sleep. Kate pressed a kiss just above her son's ear and smoothed her hand over the back of his head, brushing his dark, silky hair with her fingers. Castle felt a stab of jealous longing as he observed this mother-son bonding moment. He was still very much on the outside looking in right now, and on the outside was not at all where he wanted to be.

"I'm just going to put him down," she whispered.

" _Oh._ Of course." Castle's face fell and he heard himself, how bereft he sounded without even meaning to.

The cabin creaked and Kate stifled a smile. "Don't worry. He's not going far. I have a crib set up right here," she pointed out, carrying the baby over to an unseen travel cot that was stationed on the far side of the sofa.

He watched her wince as she bent forward to lay the baby on his back, and again it struck him how little he knew of the last nine months. He knew nothing of her morning sickness, her cravings, doctor appointments, all the scans he'd missed, the planning, the shopping, and most of all, Kate Beckett going into labor and giving birth to this wonderful little boy without him.

Was this wince of pain he'd just witnessed the result of a caesarean section or something else? Who was her birthing partner? Was there some dramatic story to her waters breaking, some mad, blue-lighted dash to the hospital he would only hear about as a threadbare anecdote repeated over time? He'd missed all of this, and the pain of that void in time would live with him until the end of his days. No matter how things turned out for them, it would be there every time he watched her smile into the eyes of her beloved son, knowing how late he'd come to the party.

So, yes, he was undoubtably on the outside looking in, and to a large extent he had put himself there. Because of one rush to judgment when he'd seen her with Josh and moreover - this fear of rejection that ran like a yellow brick road all the way back to his own childhood. Not fighting for Kate Beckett was possibly the worst decision he had ever made. And that she'd gone through a pregnancy alone, believing that he'd rejected her, was the unintended consequence from hell.

* * *

The baby down, Kate settled on the sofa opposite. She cupped her mug of tea, inhaling the honey-sweet scent of chamomile, the most soothing of herbal teas. The silence, while not exactly awkward, felt strange. The two of them here alone together in this unfamiliar place – a family home that belonged to her and Jim – felt foreign. Castle had to struggle not to feel like more of an intruder as time went on and the rush of adrenalin and bravery that had driven him up here wore off.

Kate sipped her tea and seemed to relax a little, settling back into the mound of cushions behind her with more rested weight than guarded stiffness.

"How was my dad?" she asked, surprising him with this opener. "Must have been an interesting conversation."

A slightly wicked smile hovered just above the rim of her mug before she hid it by taking another sip of tea.

Castle's eyebrows shot up. "More awkward than interesting. No man wants to watch another man cry. Certainly not over a grilled cheese sandwich in his one free hour between court sessions."

"Ah." Kate nodded in understanding. He saw the lines in her face deepen with the additional guilt generated by the scene Castle had just painted. The acute knowledge of his pain clearly troubled her.

"There was a newspaper article," Castle explained. He smoothed his hands down the thighs of his jeans, wiping off his clammy hands. He felt jumpy, nervous talking about this. He didn't want to upset her. His words seemed jumbled when they came out. "I was supposed to be attending a meeting at Black Pawn."

Her head shot up at the mention of his publisher, and she studied his face intently. His story was trickling out in bits and pieces, fractured. He was finding it difficult to grasp the thread and make any linear sense.

"Gina makes me wait these days. Some kind of power trip. Or punishment," he said, as he attempted to laugh it off, and failed. "I picked up a copy of the _Daily News_ in reception. Seems word got out about…James," he said, quietly, using the baby's name for the first time. It felt strange, but somehow it fit the child too.

He was there to meet Kate's gaze when she darted her eyes over at him, as he suspected she would. She'd named her child alone, as far as he could tell. He daren't call the baby _their_ child. Not yet. Not until she confirmed it to be true. But they hadn't quite gotten that far in backtracking the timeline. Softly softly seemed to be working, he was still here, she hadn't thrown him out, so he'd take that as a win.

He saw the mist of guilt pass across her face, as all these thoughts slotted into place for her too. It was like watching a game of Connect Four; you could almost hear the click when the counter dropped. He had hundreds of questions for her, and he didn't quite know where to begin.

"His middle name is Alexander," she offered, never breaking eye contact. "James Alexander."

Castle nodded. "Your dad said. He didn't seem to understand…or well, maybe he did." He shrugged. "He's kind of hard to read, your old man," Castle chuckled, relieved when Kate joined in.

"Try being a teenager and having to go toe-to-toe with two lawyers every day. Let's just say family dinners involved _a lot_ of passionate arguments."

* * *

They finished their tea while James slept nearby, enjoying silence as often as they spoke. When they did talk they kept to safe subjects, gossip and small talk of no real consequence. They were like polite strangers in a way, meeting for the first time after a long spell out of contact; as if someone had pressed the reset button on the entire history of their relationship, setting them back years. Their closeness and the familiar ease they had shared nine months ago were gone. Castle mourned that more than anything. If someone whispered in his ear that this woman had invited him into her bed, he'd have said they were a deranged fool. Making love to Kate Beckett seemed like nothing more than a wild fantasy right now.

How could they have shared such intimacy when they could barely look one another in the eye? Still, maybe the opposite was true: they could barely look one another in the eye, having dared to share such intimacy. Maybe that was what this was: guilt and embarrassment. Whichever, he repeated to himself again: he was still here, and time was healing. He just had to hang on. Pushing Kate Beckett would get him less than nowhere.

Eventually, her cup drained, Kate eased up off the sofa. She straightened her shirt and rubbed the small of her back. They'd reached another juncture – a new process step in the flowchart of their lives. What happened next, the choices each made, could determine a helluva lot.

Driven by rising panic or sheer lunacy, Castle blurted the only thing he could think of. "I brought some stuff."

"Of course you did," Kate muttered calmly, feeling the strange stirrings of some old, familiar amusement. It was as if they were gradually dropping back into long-assigned roles without even thinking about it.

He jerked his thumb over his shoulder. "It's out in my car."

Kate smiled. "I'll be here," she promised, collecting their used mugs and carrying them to the kitchen area, before heading off for a quick bathroom break while the baby slept on.

"Just how long are you planning on staying?" she asked out of reflex when she looked up to see Castle practically stagger indoors under the weight of several bags.

"That's one of the things I need to talk to you about."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, no, it's not—" He shook his head and took a breath. "I'm not angling to move in or anything."

Kate released a nervous laugh. "Good to know."

"What I mean is…I haven't exactly told Alexis, or my mother for that matter, where I am or why I'm here."

"Where do they think you are?" Kate asked warily.

"On a writing retreat."

"A retreat? Like kaftans, green juice and dream catchers kind of retreat?"

"No," he answered scornfully, giving Kate the laugh that she badly wanted. "I'm researching a new book."

Her head shot up from the box of teabags in front of her. "A new Nikki Heat?"

Castle pursed his lips and shook his head, inwardly buoyed by her excitement. "I kind of had to bench Nikki after…"

Kate nodded. "Of course. How stupid of me."

"No. No, it's…"

"Rick, it's not _fine_. None of this is fine," she acknowledged aloud for the first time since he had surprised her by pitching up unannounced. Impulsively, she reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze.

He reacted with surprise, taking a moment to stare at her hand as if it was something alien before he was able to engulf her fingers in his own and gently squeeze back.

"How did Gina take the news?"

"About Nikki? Not good," he admitted with a wince. "I'm still under contract to produce another book, but it's been tough…focusing," he confessed, darting his eyes to her face and away again.

Kate attempted to lift the mood and to get them back on track, talking about something positive. "But you're working on something? This retreat…"

"Pirates," he said, surprising her into a snort of laughter.

" _Pirates?_ Like a children's book?"

"No. Adult fiction." He sounded defensive.

"Erotica?"

"No, Beckett!" He looked appalled.

"Then beyond kids' treasure stories and the whole swashbuckling, raping and pillaging thing…what is there?" she frowned adorably.

He sounded indignant when he replied, "History. Discovery. _Adventure._ "

Kate stared at him blankly, unconvinced by his argument. "You're really done with Nikki and Rook?" she asked. She sounded doubtful and disappointed.

"I had to be. My muse wasn't around anymore."

Kate moved a little closer, and then she nudged him in the side with her elbow. "Maybe she can be here now? If…if you want, I mean. If you think there's still a story to tell?"

"You think pirates are dumb?" Castle said, sullenly. "My mother thinks I've lost my marbles."

"No, but I think maybe you chose them for the wrong reason and if your heart isn't in your writing, Castle…" She shrugged and turned to put their mugs in the sink, murmuring, "But what do I know."

* * *

They gently let the subject drop for now, and Kate turned her attention to the bags of shopping Castle had plopped down on the kitchen counter while she was in the bathroom.

"You brought me a _cabbage?_ " she asked, as she lifted the volleyball-sized brassica out of the hessian bag and tossed it a couple of times from hand-to-hand.

"If you store it in the refrigerator, I heard the leaves are good for…for—" In embarrassment, he dragged his gaze up and away from her fuller-than-usual breasts and snatched the cabbage back. He stuffed it into the grocery bag with a mutter of, "Never mind."

"It was very thoughtful. Kind of weirdly sweet," she said through a wrinkled-nose smile, adding, "and since I don't have mastitis, we could always make slaw."

Kate went on prowling through the pile of goods on the counter. "You thought of… _everything_ ," she said, amused, as she held up a bottle of Scotch.

Castle reached for the whisky. "That's for me."

"And the can of Arabica coffee beans from Dean & Deluca?"

"I'll share if you're good. But you get a watered down cup. He's too young to develop a caffeine habit. Wait…you stopped drinking coffee when you…when you were pregnant, right?"

"What kind of mother do you think I am?" she asked with some indignation.

He held up both hands, a sign of peace. "The best. Beckett, I'm not questioning here."

Her eyes widened as she fiddled with the lid on the coffee can. "Kind of sounds like it."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean…I don't _mean_ to doubt you. It's just…I've missed so much." He looked distraught and helpless, floundering. "How do we…how do we get to… _somewhere_?" He broke off with a deep frown and a defeated sigh to drop his head into his hands.

"We take things a day at a time. You're here now, Castle. He's only three weeks old. You haven't missed that much."

"I feel as if I've missed a lot of important stuff," he said, with his watering eyes trained on a cracked spot in the surface of the countertop.

The beans made a shushing noise similar to maracas as Kate put the can of coffee back down. She turned side-on, stepped in closer and tentatively lifted one hand to begin rubbing Castle's back. He stiffened at first, his head still hanging, but gradually he relaxed a little. Eventually, she stepped in closer still, dropping her chin on top of the fingers she curled around the ball of Castle's shoulder while she continued to rub his back with her other hand, wrapping him up in a half-hug. Seconds ticked by on the old grandfather clock in the corner, and finally Castle turned to face Kate, fiercely enveloping her in a proper hug. She sank her face into his neck and gripped on to him tightly, breathing in the smell of him, savoring every second they got to be in one another's arms again.

"I've missed you," he whispered into her hair, as he cupped the back of her head and stroked his fingers over the wavy, auburn strands. Her body felt softer in his arms, her curves fuller and more womanly than before. The feel of her was new and yet familiar at the same time. She aroused him like no woman ever had. He was glad to know that hadn't changed.

Kate clutched him tighter, her need for him sudden and equally primitive. "I missed you too. So much, Castle," she whispered, and he heard the clog of tears seize her throat.

As one, they drew back to look at one another, her hands on his shoulders and his hands cradling her face. Castle glanced at Kate's mouth and she wet her lips, but as she smiled and nodded her assent, the baby let out a piercing cry. They both drew back, laughing in surprise, before their foreheads fell together. Castle pulled away first. He kissed her cheek and squeezed her waist and said, "Go. Master Beckett is calling. This can wait."

It was the most hopeful he had felt in months.

* * *

 _Thank you for reading. This is a slow burn. I know people have lots of questions they want answered and I love your enthusiasm. They've been apart a long time and they're taking the slowly, slowly, catchy Monkey route back to one another. I'm not rushing in to answer all the obvious questions up front. That's not how these two work. But we'll get there, with a little patience, don't worry._

 _I know fanfiction is a poor replacement for having our two favorite leads together on the show, but hopefully it can keep the dream alive and write a few wrongs for a little while longer. Chin up chaps, Liv_


	5. Chapter 5

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 5_

"Would you like to hold him?"

Kate asked this as she returned from the travel cot on the far side of the room with the baby in her arms. He was barely whimpering now.

In that instant, Castle felt his stomach drop and his heart rate soar. He was going to hold his son. He was almost certain of that now. He nodded vigorously through his nerves, moving closer and tentatively holding out his arms.

"Hey," Kate said, drawing his attention up to her face for a smile of encouragement. "You're the expert, remember?"

"I _know_ ," he replied, trying to sound at least a little indignant, despite the fact his hands were shaking. Because he had done this before, and largely by himself at that. He'd learned to parent the hard way - on the job, alone - while Meredith hadn't really learned to parent at all. Alexis had turned out well, she was healthy, she didn't hate him. He could still do this.

"Good. So take the terrified look off your face. He doesn't bite," Kate teased, holding the baby out.

"Yet," Castle said, with a shaky laugh.

"There," Kate murmured, once the baby was safely transferred from her arms to her partner's. They exchanged goofy smiles, just as all new parents do in the beginning. She stroked the baby's head, and then she leaned down to kiss him on the cheek. "James, this is your daddy," she whispered, drawing her eyes up and away from the baby's serene face to meet the wide-eyed, breathless stare of her partner.

Castle swallowed hard. "He's really mine? You're sure?" he asked in a shaky voice.

Kate smiled and nodded through the fat tears that had gathered in her eyes, threatening to swamp her face. She nodded again as one rolled down her cheek, swiping it away with the back of her hand as she said, "One hundred percent sure." And then she looked down at the baby in adoration, adding, "Just look at him. He has your nose and your lovely, dark hair."

"Then thank God he has your eyes," Castle hiccupped a watery laugh.

They stood together in a tight clutch, this new little family, crowded in close, while Castle absorbed the weight and warmth of the baby in his arms. How feather light and yet terrifyingly solid a newborn could feel. He had almost forgotten this strange paradox of infancy in the years that had passed between his two children.

"I have a son," he said in an awe-filled whisper, leaning down to kiss the top of the baby's head, to nuzzle that new-baby smell of him. "I have a son."

Kate reached out to touch the baby's toes. She stroked the foot of his onesie. "I told him," she said. "The moment he was born and they handed him to me, I told him. I whispered in his ear. And every day since I would tell him who his daddy was. I'd whisper stories at night when he'd fall asleep on my chest after I fed him. You were here with us, Castle, even when you weren't."

Castle was supremely touched by this nugget she had just shared. Kate Beckett was not a big sharer. And he knew from his own experience that it could be hard to share your baby with anyone, even your partner, never mind with someone who appeared to have abandoned you and your child. He'd be forever grateful to her for setting their issues aside to put their baby first from the moment of his birth.

* * *

Kate sniffed beside him and pushed her damp face into his bicep.

Castle glanced down at her. Tender feelings swamped his chest. When he spoke it was aimed at the baby to prevent himself from losing it completely. "Mommy's pretending to give me a hug. But she's really just wiping her nose on my shirt. What do you think of that, James?" he asked, chuckling when Kate gave him a play punch in the arm. "Should we say _boo, mommy_?" he sang to the baby.

James opened his little pink mouth and arched his tongue, bobbing it a few times before he smiled a wet, gummy smile at Castle.

"Oh, God. You're already ganging up on me," Kate laughed, a watery sound, as she watched father and son stare deeply into one another's eyes.

She turned away to snatch a sheet of kitchen towel with which to properly blow her nose and dry her tears. Once she'd tossed the soggy tissue, she returned to Castle's side. With her chin in the dip of his trapezius, she watched the baby over her partner's shoulder. The infant looked up at both of them. Wide-eyed, he searched from one face to the other as if working on a puzzle; some genetic spot the difference perhaps. He watched them with such quiet wisdom and such seriousness that Castle couldn't help but observe, "Looks like he has your intellect too, thank God."

Kate laughed, and then she pressed a brief kiss to his shirt where her chin had been, before quietly moving away from him.

All this touching all of a sudden, after months of no contact, and active forgetting on Castle's part, while definitely welcome, made his skin feel raw. Every touch was like a razor cut, reminding him of all the moments he'd missed. He was on the verge of saying so, of voicing his pain, when the baby gurgled and he looked down into a smiling face so bright and new, and yet so strangely familiar, that he forgot his troubles in an instant.

* * *

"How about you two boys go bond over on the sofa while I make us a sandwich?" Kate suggested. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving. Breastfeeding might not be a workout but it definitely takes calories."

Castle opened his mouth to protest that she should sit and he would make lunch, but Kate was already shaking her head. "Rick, I said sit. I can manage lunch," she insisted, kindly.

"How did you even know what I was going to say?" he laughed.

"This is us, remember?"

His face grew cloudy and serious, but he nodded. Of course he remembered. He remembered almost everything about her; she was his life's work. Trying to blank her from his mind and banish her from his life had only made her memory come roaring back in all the louder. He'd find her in the strangest places: in spots around the city where they'd been, and in plenty of places they hadn't. He saw her likeness in trees and clouds. He glimpsed countless women from the back or the side, in window reflections, in crowds, in taxis, even in his dreams, who gave him heart-stopping pause, only to be followed by a crushing disappointment when the vision vanished and real life showed its face.

So, yes, he remembered the old "us," such as it was back then - the trusty side-kick and his muse, fighting crime and finishing sentences as if they had the power to read one another's mind.

"Besides, it was written all over your face," Kate added, bravely trying to lighten the moment. "Martha raised you well. Chivalrous to a fault."

Chivalrous? ' _Yeah, until I left your bed at five o'clock in the morning without so much as a goodbye kiss',_ he thought bitterly.

"How _is_ Martha?" Kate asked, as Castle walked away across the living room to sit down with his son. The baby had drifted off to sleep, and Castle cradled him close to his chest. He'd almost reached the sofa when he heard Kate say, "When I ran into her about three months ago she said she was casting for a new play. Has it opened yet?"

Castle froze on the spot and then he slowly pivoted back to face Kate. "You—" He frowned and took a breath. "Did you just say that you _ran_ into my _mother_?" he asked, cocking his head to one side in anxious anticipation of her response.

Kate looked up from spreading mayo on sliced bread. "Yes. Did she not tell you? I had a doctor appointment in Midtown. Martha was coming out the stage door of that old theater on 43rd Street. I was so huge by then, I nearly ran right into her. She really didn't say?" Kate frowned.

"No. And I would have remembered. Believe me." His voice had turned hard and brittle.

Kate eyed him with alarm. "I…I didn't tell her _not_ to tell you, if that's what you're thinking?"

"No?"

" _No!_ I would never do that," she insisted.

"Why did I find out I had a son from reading about it in a rag? And by chance too?"

Kate sighed. She sounded exhausted or maybe heartsick. "Castle, I tried to get in contact with you. But you wouldn't take my calls."

"You could have tried harder." He knew he was being unfair, but he couldn't stop himself.

"That's not fair. I tried for weeks. You wouldn't take my calls, you never answered the door when I came to the loft, and when I sent you that letter with the sonogram inside—" Kate broke off to catch her breath. "I never heard anything back, so I just figured—"

"Wait! You sent me a _sonogram?_ "

She nodded. "Yes. The first one. I mailed it right after I left my doctor's office."

The baby stretched, pressing his tiny feet into the crook of Castle's arm with surprising force as if to assert his presence, as if to say, _'Yes, a sonogram that's now me, you fool.'_

Castle thought back to the letter he had burned in his kitchen sink without even opening, Kate's familiar handwriting on the front of the envelope giving the sender away. "That wasn't a 'Dear John' letter?" he asked hoarsely. His nausea had returned.

Kate frowned. "Dear John? _No!_ It was the only way I could think to tell you that you were going to be a father again, since every thing else I'd tried had failed. When I heard nothing from you, I assumed you wanted nothing to do with us."

Bile burned the back of his throat and his knees felt weak. "Kate, I thought you were with Josh. I knew nothing about your pregnancy. Not until I read that piece in the _Daily News_ three days ago."

Kate visibly paled and her voice sounded flattened when she spoke. "Your mother put her hand on my stomach. I let her feel the baby move."

"Did she know the child was mine?"

Kate shrugged and nodded. Her face was ashen and her eyes were filled with tears. "She was nice to me…polite. I just assumed you all knew."

"And you thought I'd turned my back on you?"

With her lip drawn between her teeth, Kate nodded.

Castle checked on his sleeping son. Carefully, so as not to wake him, he placed the baby back in his crib, covering his legs and tummy with a soft, white blanket. James sighed loudly and then all of his limbs went slack.

In mere strides Castle was back by Kate's side. With his arm around her shoulder, he eased the knife from her clenched grasp and then he guided her away from the kitchen to sit down at the small dining table in the breakfast nook. "Had I known, I would have been by your side every step of the way. Kate, you have to believe that," he said, taking her hand and giving it an affirming squeeze.

"So what happened? One minute we were in bed together and then I woke up alone. It's been that way ever since. I thought we had something real, Castle. And then I thought maybe you just needed to get it out of your system and that you'd changed your mind. In the end I told myself I'd imagined everything." She sounded wretched.

Castle closed his eyes. How did they both get this so wrong? "Oh, Kate. You have no idea," he said, bending forward to kiss her knuckles. "Look, you sit there. Okay? Let me make you some food and we can talk. James is good for now, right? But you need to rest."

She nodded, clearly exhausted if she was agreeing to his help. Castle rose from the table to return to the kitchen, but Kate caught his hand before he could go. The expression on her face was devastating. It was a look of utter grief.

He simply nodded and stroked her fingers. "You're not in this alone anymore. It's going to be fine. I promise," he said firmly, squeezing her hand and then letting go.

* * *

 _Thank you for your company on this journey. As I said, slow burn on this one as bits and pieces of the story are revealed. I hope you can suspend your disbelief for now. All of your questions will be answered in time. Liv_


	6. Chapter 6

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 6_

They ate lunch in silence.

It was a peaceful silence, restful even, and it allowed them to quietly decompress. They used this private time to mull things over, do battle with their inner demons without having to talk much. Talking was something they'd both fallen out of the habit of lately, since they each spent so much time by themselves - Kate with her newborn and Castle alone in his office, at the library, or in a bar.

The simple meal of chicken salad sandwiches and a shared bowl of potato chips, washed down with two large glasses of milk, tasted as good as the finest restaurant fare, they were both so hungry.

Kate had had to force down the first couple of cardboard-like mouthfuls. But after Castle moved to sit next to her and dropped a comforting hand to her knee, she relaxed enough to enjoy her lunch.

"Should I make coffee?" she asked when all the food was gone. There was something of a glint in her eye.

"You've really not had any since you found out you were pregnant?" Castle checked. He found himself roaming her face every time he looked at her, soaking her in as if his brain wanted to backup the memory, as if his subconscious mind believed she could be ripped from him again at any moment. The sensation was disconcerting. It left him on edge, jittery with a feeling of approaching doom.

Kate was nodding as she reached out to touch his arm. "Hey. You okay? You seem…" She trailed off into a frown without getting anymore specific. He seemed distant was the truth, preoccupied. But then who could blame him.

"I'll be fine. This is all kind of…" He shook his head from side-to-side, utterly bewildered. The power of speech seemed to have deserted him today.

"Overwhelming?" Kate suggested. She received a nod of agreement immediately. At least they agreed on that.

"Yeah, a little. You too?"

"It's different for me. The baby isn't a surprise anymore… _obviously_. But seeing you again…" She gripped his arm a little tighter and Castle flipped it over to catch her fingers in his own. Their palms kissed and their fingers tangled. Touching felt electric, forbidden.

"Seeing you is—" She tilted her head slightly and then smiled an embarrassed smile. Her cheeks took on a rosy glow. "Sorry, I'm not making much sense. I guess I'm more exhausted than I thought."

"I'll bet." Castle could easily sympathize, having kind of been there himself back in the day. Minus the breastfeeding part, obviously. The sleeplessness, the weight of responsibility, the fumbling newness of it all. This tiny human stranger who now relied on you for everything from food to smiles and shelter to protection. It was as exhausting as it was thrilling.

"I'm just really glad you're here. Finding out that you knew nothing about the baby is heartbreaking on one level. But a bigger part of me is actually relieved that I had it all wrong. That you didn't see that sonogram and decide to walk away. I can let go of a lot of anger now."

Castle withdrew his hand and leaned in. "Can I be honest?"

"Please." Her face was utterly open, as open as he had ever seen it.

"I'm kind of struggling to understand how you could believe I'd give up on a child, Kate. You've always known me as a father...seen me with Alexis. You know that's the most important part of my life."

Kate looked him right in the eye. "And how could _you_ think I'd give up on us?" she countered. "Is that any more believable? We were _partners_. Always. Now we're like the worst kind of rom-com. All road blocks and miscommunication. Even your _mother_ got in on the act," she pointed out, and Castle felt his anger at Martha bubble up inside him. But he would deal with that later.

* * *

Silence fell again. An uneasy kind of truce. Neither of them were up to pushing things so far that the mood turned sour with resentment. They were both trying hard to count their blessings, searching for silver linings amongst the wreckage. Today was about forging a way back and a way ahead too. Working in increments like this seemed to make sense after so many months apart. Tiny skirmishes were better than an all out battle for control or a rush to post blame for sure. They were both at fault, that much was clear and getting clearer by the hour.

Castle stroked her knuckles and then he started to rise from the table, knees cracking like popcorn kernels. "Let me make the coffee. I'll water it down so you sleep tonight and the little guy isn't up all hours with the jitters. Okay? Just a taste."

Kate continued to talk while Castle cleared the lunch dishes and set about grinding coffee beans. "I'm not sure how long I want to keep breastfeeding. I guess at least until this goes," she said, patting her barely rounded stomach with the flat of her hand. "Plus I feel so close to him when I do…it's our special bonding time. He gained five ounces last week," she told him proudly.

"You look great, Kate," Castle reassured her. He got a surprise amount of pleasure from making her smile again, as she did right then at this tiny, tiny compliment he'd made. Being kind to her felt like the easy swing of an old gate that'd just been oiled; it did his heart good. "Motherhood really suits you. Even your dad said so."

"He's been great," Kate admitted. "Really stepped up to help. Even when I was being stubborn and cranky."

" _You,_ stubborn?" Castle joked, earning himself a self-deprecating laugh from Kate. Her eyes, they dazzled him. Even indoors with little light, they sparkled when she looked right at him.

Kate noticed Castle watching her, but pretended she didn't. "He came to my apartment and built stuff for me. Put up the crib and the change station. He helped decorate my bedroom after Lanie and Jenny got too drunk to finish it."

Castle laughed in surprise. "They got _drunk?_ Oh, I sense a good story. Do tell."

Kate leaned her elbows on the table and rested her chin on her hands. She smiled a secret smile to herself. "I had a _very_ small baby shower. They kind of forced me into it. Lanie decided home made margaritas would be fun while they painted the "nursery," aka my bedroom. My dad came over the next day and fixed the mess they made. Let's just say margarita mix and a steady hand don't exactly go together."

Guilt was seeping into all the places in Castle's heart that he had shut down. Kate could clearly read it in his face. Each story from their time apart another cut, another wound. "Look, we don't have to talk about this stuff if it's too painful. You know, I understand…or at least, I understand some of it," she admitted.

She watched as her partner stood up straighter, his posture becoming more defensive, muscles more taut.

"What don't you understand?"

She took a deep breath, her hands clasped on the tabletop. "What happened to you? What happened to _us_ , Rick? How did we lose one another? _Us_ of all people?" she beseeched him.

He'd never heard her speak so fiercely about their relationship before, and it took him aback: her intensity and her anger. He found himself floundering for the right words. He trod a safe path in the end, shouldering most of the blame for now. He had no stomach left for a fight.

"I'm not sure. I think, for my part, I took a wrong turn and that led to more wrong turns and before I knew it you were on one side of the wall and I had been buried alive."

Kate began to shake her head. "No. No, not good enough. I need to know all of it. You owe me that much. Plain English this time. Please?" she pleaded.

* * *

That was how Castle found himself lying on Kate's dad's sofa with her warm body curled up next to his, her head resting on his chest as he combed his fingers through her hair. The baby slept nearby in the travel crib and their coffee cooled on the table, largely untouched.

"When I woke up next to you early that morning…Kate, it felt wonderful. But it also felt _wrong_ …what we had done."

She stirred. "You mean because of Josh?"

"Yes. I wanted you to be free to choose me. Cheating is my absolute non-negotiable. So I got up and I left, expecting you to come and find me once you'd broken things off with Dr. Motorcycle Boy. I gave you a couple of days and…" he shrugged, "then I couldn't stay away any longer."

Kate sounded surprised to hear this. "What? You came to the precinct?"

He nodded. "That Friday…I showed up with your coffee only to find you and the good doctor getting rather cozy in the hallway."

Her body stiffened against his. "I didn't see you."

"No one did. When he kissed you, I knew you'd made your choice. I dumped the coffee and left, and I never came back. When you finally called, I assumed it was to tell me you thought sleeping together was a mistake. I know you value our partnership, Kate, but I couldn't bear for you to ask me to keep working with you after that. And I knew that if you asked, I'd be powerless to say no. So I went straight for the full amputation. Lose the limb to save the soul."

"Can I say something now?" Kate sounded irritated.

"Does it start with how big an idiot I am?"

"I'll skip that part as a given," she said, leaning up on her elbows so that she could see his face. "I only ever wanted you, Castle. After that night, I had no idea I was pregnant, obviously. But I knew I wanted us to be more than just partners. When I woke up and you weren't there, I thought you'd had second thoughts."

Castle cupped the side of her face in his hand. He wore a terrible frown. "How could you think that?" he asked, stroking her cheek with his thumb.

"How could you think I wanted to stay with Josh?" she countered, angrily. "How was that even possible? After how we were with one another? How amazing that night was? We were perfect together."

Castle closed his eyes against the memory. "I saw him kiss you—"

"On the _cheek_ ," Kate reminded him, forcefully.

"He tucked your hair behind your ear. You looked like lovers. Not two people calling it off."

"How many cases have we worked, hmm, where the narrative looked one way at first glance only to turn out totally different? Castle, you _believed_ what you saw…what you _thought_ you saw, over what was in here?" she pointed out, laying her hand over his heart.

"Prove me wrong."

She paused, thinking for a second, and then took a deep breath. "He showed up out of the blue that day to tell me he was leaving. Some rush mission to Mexico. Doctor's Without Borders were needed in Acapulco to deal with mudslides after hurricane Manuel. I couldn't break up with him then. He barely paused for breath. What you saw was a platonic parting. We both knew things were coming to an end."

"But he left having no idea we were together?"

Kate's eyebrows shot up. "Turned out we weren't though, didn't it?"

Castle made a sound of annoyance in the back of his throat. "What happened when he got back?"

"I came home late from work one night. This was about six weeks later. I was exhausted. I hadn't been sleeping well and I thought I might be coming down with stomach flu. When I visited Lanie in the morgue that day, I had to leave the room to throw up. I've never had to do that before. She came by the precinct on her way home...dropped a package off at my desk."

"Knowing Lanie, lemme guess?"

Kate nodded. "I took the test that night…didn't even have to wait for the blue line to show up, it was practically blinking at me like a neon sign. I was still sitting on the bathroom floor with the box on the counter when Josh let himself in…as a surprise." She rolled her eyes.

"But he was the one who got the surprise?" Castle said dryly.

"Could say that. He flat out asked if it was his, like he already suspected something. When I shook my head he just grabbed his jacket and left. I found his keys lying on the hall table next morning when I was leaving for work."

"And…were you already certain the baby was mine?"

She nodded. "Josh and I hadn't exactly been…" She cleared her throat and glanced at the ceiling. "Let's just say the timing fit and…"

"What?" Castle asked, lazily rubbing her back.

"I know I was never maternal before, but people are right when they say you just know. I had a DNA test done to be sure…for your sake not mine," she hastened to add.

Castle frowned. "DNA? _How?_ "

"That spare toothbrush you kept in my locker? Lanie ran it for me as a favor after James was born. Kept it quiet, no paper trail."

"You _kept_ that old toothbrush?"

"Castle, I never gave up on us. Despite how it might look. I knew that once you met your son, you'd want a relationship with him, if not with me. But first, I came up here to heal. And I wanted to spend time learning to be a mother without the pressure of people watching all the time, seeing me make mistakes."

She seemed shy and a little embarrassed as she confessed this. Insecurity and weakness weren't a normal part of her make-up. Trying to be good at everything, even parenting, fit right in with her Type A personality. So it figured that she'd want to master motherhood like a pro before taking James out into the big wide world.

"Kate, five minutes in your company and anyone can see you're a natural. James is so lucky to have you for a mother."

Kate bit her lip. She tugged on the front of his shirt, fiddling with one of the buttons. She had something to say but some reluctance held her back. "What about you?" she eventually asked. "Do you think we can get past this? At least be friends?"

Castle's face clouded. "I don't want us doing anything just for the baby's sake. I tried that with Meredith and it ended up making everyone miserable."

Kate took a risk of the don't-ask-don't-get variety. There was no bigger risk than this one. "If there was no baby..." she said.

Castle closed his eyes and held his breath.

Kate jumped back in, her confidence growing. "If there was no baby, I'd still want you," she promised.

Castle struggled up to a sitting position, jostling them both. He blinked hard, disbelieving his own ears. " _You—_ Are you saying you want us to be a _family_?" His heart beat erratically and his mouth was dry.

Kate nodded and wiped the tears from her eyes. "Damn hormones," she sniffed. "Yes, I want us to be a family. But only if you want it too?"

* * *

 _Thank you for reading. Please remember that most of this story is written from Castle's POV. So if there's darkness or negativity cast in his direction, it's because those are his perceptions of himself in this situation._


	7. Chapter 7

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 7_

Getting ready for bed that night was a production. James seemed to sense a change in the air, and this bubble of excitement radiating off the two adults had unsettled him.

Earlier in the evening, Castle had thrown together a quick pasta dish for dinner, with a mix of carbs and fresh veggies designed to keep Kate's strength up. He prepped and cooked while she breastfed the baby in a rocker nearby. They listened to music supplied by NRP on a paint-splattered radio of her dad's. WNHP was a local classical music station Kate had discovered and warmed to since being up here alone with James. The baby had a thing for Brahms' Cradle Song already, as well as a vocal, almost fearful dislike for Berlioz' "Dream of a Witches' Sabbath." He cried ferociously the couple of times it had come on.

The baby's terror at this piece of music had made Kate sad and wistful. She had imagined Castle's commentary on the subject, how he'd weigh in with some humorous or profound explanation to lighten things, while she gave the baby comfort. She often found herself drifting off into a daydream where she imagined what Castle might say in all sorts of situations. Despite not being present at the baby's birth, he had in fact coached her through her hours of labor just by the sound of his voice in her head. Their connection was like some psychic umbilicus, at least on her end. She wondered if he thought of her as often as she thought of him, and she came to the conclusion that there was no way he wouldn't. That was the belief that kept her going. They would come together again at some point. The universe would make sure of it.

* * *

While they mostly ate in silence again, this meal was accompanied by a fair number of furtive glances, shy, tentative smiles, and the odd brush of one bare foot over another; which was entirely new for them. Entirely. They had slept together once after a passionate kiss in the dark. That was the extent of their intimate relations. So this, for them, was dating day zero. Only with a child between them to complicate things a little.

Still, the dark spectre cast by the mistakes they had both made in the wake of that first night together was still never far from mind. It raised angry questions and internalized _'how-could-yous'_ that both largely succeeded in keeping inside. Since they had suffered to a similar degree, as a result of their pattern of poor communication, it was hard to find one party who was more to blame. In essence, they decided that their missteps cancelled one another out. In the grand scheme of life, what were a few months spent apart, if a future could be hewn from the rocky times they'd just stumbled through? Granted those were crucial months they would never get back. But that lost time seemed as nothing when they sat side-by-side in the cabin's comfortable living room, staring at their sleeping newborn as if not a day of separation had gone by.

They left the big question of 'family' and the form that might take alone for now. That they were both committed to their child was beyond question. Castle had assured Kate of that when she had asked, when she had plainly said, _'If there was no baby, I'd still want you.'_ His heart had sung out. But it had been less than a day. One happy, amazing day after ten months of angry nothing. So any talk of detail or logistics or romantic commitments were best left to one side for now. On this they both agreed, even if their bodies appeared to be speaking an entirely different language.

* * *

"It's getting late," Kate finally said, stretching to ease the kinks in her back.

She turned to look at Castle. His face was half-hidden in shadow. He wore a frown when she caught him unawares, one he forced into an approximation of a smile that was meant to lift any burden she might still be feeling over her part in his personal loss.

He stretched his own large frame back into shape and stood, gathering teacups and a plate of uneaten cookies and headed for the small, open-plan kitchen. "I'll just rinse these and then I'll…"

He trailed off into uncertainty, running water into the sink to drown out his sudden loss of words. He wanted longer with her, no matter how badly his heart yearned for all the months he had missed. He wanted to get to know his son, to make up for lost time, since the universe possessed no reset button that would simply erase the last ten months of lonely misery. But he found he could ask for neither. He'd pushed his luck as far as he was willing already today.

Kate saved him from having to. She read him like a book despite the fog of new mother exhaustion and the paucity of light in the old cabin. She moved slowly, weighed down by endless days bearing the burden of first time motherhood to a precious, longed-for child by herself. When she reached Castle's side she turned off the faucet, took the dishtowel off his shoulder, removed the sponge from his hand, and set them both aside.

"Castle, it's late…it's dark outside."

He turned to face her, their bodies barely inches apart. She grasped his wrists, her thumbs seeking out the soft warmth hidden beneath his cuffs. She fingered the smooth skin with its ropey tendons and glossy veins. She felt his strength and drew from it. "I want you to stay. Will you please stay?" she asked, with hope in her eyes.

He reeled her in close, widened his stance to wrap her body inside his. He kissed her hair and rubbed her aching back. "I'll stay," he whispered, his heartache easing with relief as they held one another tighter and then tighter still.

* * *

After a quick top 'n' tail, with his newborn bathtub set up in the kitchen sink, Castle carried the sleepy baby upstairs. The writer had a smile as wide as the Mississippi on his face. He hadn't been up there yet. Kate had gone on ahead to use the bathroom after helping him to dry and change their slippery, squirming infant. She left Castle to wrangle the little man into his pajamas, grateful to have a few quiet moments to herself for the first time in three whole weeks.

Now he stood at the entrance to the master bedroom with James braced over his shoulder, slowly taking in the unfamiliar surroundings. The uneven beams and the warped wooden floor had a rustic beauty about them. The country florals with their cozy, old-fashioned charm felt welcoming. He could see why Kate thought hiding out here was a safe and comforting option. And maybe she felt closer to her mother in this house, with all of its happy family memories, than she might have in the city. That would explain a lot, he thought to himself.

After this moment of quiet observation, he pushed the door all the way open and shifted his son from one shoulder to the other before entering.

His son. _His son._ These were words he would never tire of saying to himself or to anyone else who had the patience to listen. He grinned as the baby stirred, flailing aimlessly at his chest with an uncoordinated fist. He kissed the boy's warm head and whispered silly nonsense in his ear. He smelled his downy hair and held him even closer, marvelling at the deep, fierce love he felt for this child that he'd first laid eyes on mere hours ago. His beautiful baby boy.

And then his cell phone rang and his blissful bubble popped.

The baby startled at the sudden noise and began to whimper. Castle quickly carried him to the bed and carefully laid him down in the middle of the comforter while he frantically fished for his phone in the rear pocket of his jeans. He kicked off his shoes and sat down on the bed next to the baby as he blindly swiped at the screen. He answered reflexively, without checking to see who was calling, merely hoping to silence the intrusive sound of his ringtone as quickly as possible.

By now James' whimper was building into a full on jerky cry, and Castle placed a calming hand on the baby's belly to soothe and comfort him while he greeted the unknown caller with a distracted, " _Hello?_ "

There was a pause, a weighty silence on the other end of the line, and Castle was on the verge of hanging up thinking it a ghost call, when he heard the distinctive sound of his daughter's voice saying, " _Daddy?_ "

His heart leapt into his throat. Was it possible for it to miss a beat? "Hey, Pumpkin," he replied. He tried to sound breezy and normal, all while wracking his brain for how to play this.

In the end, Alexis played it for him…with a dead bat. "Is that a baby crying? Where are you?"

How to explain? How to explain, _'I'm with your new little brother, whose sexy mommy has just exited the bathroom wearing a tank top and the tiniest pair of cotton shorts I've ever seen,'_ without sounding like a total perv or a concussion case who'd just taken a hard knock to the head?

But this was Alexis - his beloved first born - so he went with the truth, and damn the consequences. He smiled moronically wide to help bleach the anxiety from his voice. _'Eyes and teeth'_ , as his mother would doubtless trill. Damn his meddling mother.

He took a deep breath and plunged right in. " _So,_ you're not going to believe this," he said, shrugging at Kate, who stood at the foot of the bed rubbing scented lotion into her bare arms, and doing all sorts of distracting things to Castle's brain in the process.

"Try me," Alexis replied, with her suspicious, parental voice on.

He tried to smile again. His facial muscles spasmed. When he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he looked like he'd suffered a sudden onset of Bell's palsy. " _Well_ …I…I'm Upstate," he answered brightly, despite his stammer. Far too brightly for how drained he felt. Or how nervous.

He could hear the frown in his daughter's voice. "Upstate where? I thought you were at that writer's retreat on Long Island?"

Castle winced. "Not exactly."

"Dad, why is there a baby crying like _right_ down the phone?" Alexis persisted, her patience for this softly-softly game wearing thin.

Kate sat down beside Castle, close enough that their thighs were touching, and then she ran her hand all the way down the middle of his bowed spine. "I can take him out…give you a moment," she whispered, as Castle scrubbed a hand over his face, panicked and playing for time.

The baby kicked furiously in the middle of the bed, almost as if he knew they were talking about him.

"Dad? Dad is that _Detective Beckett_?" they both heard his daughter ask.

Their eyes widened and snapped together like magnets. Their twin expressions were comically guilt-ridden, as if the girl had caught them red-handed in some felony crime.

Castle squeezed Kate's knee and shook his head before clearing his throat. "Uh, yes, Alexis. I'm with Beck—Uh, Kate. At her dad's cabin," he tacked on for no good reason.

"Why?"

He could hear bafflement mixed with criticism in his daughter's voice, and that was before he got to the main feature.

"Kate's staying up here at the moment. I came to visit."

"But why? I thought you two were over," they heard the girl say. "Isn't she with that surgeon guy? Gram said they were having a baby together."

Castle froze. His stomach turned. So not only did his mother know that Kate was pregnant, but his daughter did too? How was any of this possible?

Kate pressed her lips to his shoulder, smoothed a cool hand over the nape of his neck, and then she crawled behind him onto the bed to give him a little space. She lifted baby James off his back and into her arms, settling with the fussing infant against a deep pile of pillows.

Feeling utterly betrayed by this news, Castle stood. Too restless to remain on one spot, he began to pace the creaky bedroom floor.

"You _knew_ Kate was pregnant?" he asked, his larynx tight, voice hoarse as a whisper.

"Gram said not to say anything in case it upset you," Alexis offered in her own defense.

"How could you keep that from me?"

The baby started to settle down when Kate began to feed him. She watched in worry as Castle struggled to deal with the pain of this betrayal. She could see it on his face. She saw him fight to hold his emotions in check when all he wanted to do was lash out at a world that had conspired to keep him from the birth of his child. Never mind the world, this was his own family.

"What good would telling you have done?" Alexis asked, sounding alarmed and defensive at the blame coming her way. "You were already wallowing. You don't sleep at night…dad, she _chose_ someone else. What are you even doing there? Is that her baby I could hear crying?"

Castle had had enough. He let it all go in one great splurge, favoring the bald truth over sugar-coating this time. "No, Alexis, that's _our_ baby you heard crying. _Our_ baby. Your little brother, in fact, whose birth I missed because you and your grandmother got too good at keeping secrets and interfering in other peoples' lives."

Kate covered her mouth with her free hand, watching stony-faced as Castle dropped his cell phone on the bed and walked out of the room.

The phone landed screen up and Kate could see that the line was still connected. She reached for the device and gingerly held it to her ear, listening. "Alexis?" she asked tentatively. "Alexis, it's Kate. Are you there?"

A small, shocked voice offered some kind of affirmative reply. "Is my dad okay?" she asked timidly. "What happened? Did he go somewhere?"

"He's fine. He just went into the bathroom to cool off," Kate assured her, keeping her voice as calm as possible for both Alexis and the baby's sake.

Kate heard the shower running. Whether to cover his screams or to relax his nerves or simply wash off the day's grime, she had no clue. James drew a noisy, grunting breath while he popped off her nipple and then latched back on to continue suckling lustily at her breast. She realized that Alexis must have heard these baby sound effects from the loaded pause on the line, and so she waited for the girl to come to her with questions.

"Are you still with that doctor?" she asked, sounding hurt on her father's behalf if that was the case.

"No. We broke up a long time ago."

"Is the baby his?"

"No."

"So…the baby's really my…my _dad's_?"

Kate let out a sigh of relief. "Yes. Yes, you have a little brother," she explained, trying not to cry as she said aloud words she'd often rehearsed but feared she'd never get a chance to say.

This information was greeted with more silence, until Kate said, "Alexis, are you still there?"

"I'm here," said a small voice.

"Do you have any questions? I know this is a lot to take in? A shock. But you can ask me anything," she promised.

"What's his name?"

"I called him James Alexander after my dad and—"

"My dad," Alexis cut in.

Kate smiled. "That's right."

"Detective Beckett?"

"Please, Alexis, it's Kate."

"Kate then…do you love my dad?"

Kate closed her eyes, thus missing Castle's exit from the bathroom. "I love your dad very much," she admitted wholeheartedly, only opening her eyes when she heard the floorboard nearest the bed creak under her partner's weight.

They locked eyes, gazing at one another above the dusky head of their baby boy. Castle immediately leaned down to kiss her full on the lips, and as he did so he heard Alexis say, "He's in love with you too."

"I know," Kate admitted hoarsely after they drew apart, nodding around the lump in her throat as Castle stroked her hair and pressed another fierce kiss to her temple.

The writer rounded the bed to sit down beside her while Kate juggled the needs of both his children like a pro. "I can't wait for you to meet your baby brother…when you're ready," Kate added, trying not to push too hard.

Castle was still dressed and his hair was dry. The shower had simply been a means to cover the sound of his frustration. That sad fact tugged at something deep inside Kate. She'd make sure he knew he had no need to hide anything from her from now on. Could they all have tried harder before, made different choices. Of course, but they'd never know how life would have played out. Where they'd reached tonight was looking pretty hopeful.

"What does he look like?" Alexis asked, much to her dad's relief.

"Why don't I text you a photo? It's getting late and he's falling asleep while I feed him or we could FaceTime."

"Maybe tomorrow?" Alexis asked hopefully, generating a weak smile from her father.

"Sure thing," Kate assured her. "Look, your dad is back. Maybe you'd like to say goodnight? And Alexis, I'm sorry you had to find out like this…about the baby, I mean. We're all just coming to terms with the situation. No one's really to blame."

"Thanks, Kate. For treating me like an adult. Take care of my dad and my baby brother for me. Good night."

* * *

 _Thank you for reading and for your lovely messages. I'm still reeling from the news about the show. I hope this story's helping you like it's helping me._


	8. Chapter 8

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 8_

They sat in silence for several minutes after the call with Alexis had ended. Both too numb to speak, they just lay there against the headboard, exhausted by it all, watching their son feed and doze, feed and doze. Finally, when it was clear that James' tiny tummy was full, Kate eased the sleepy boy off her breast, dried his milk-dampened little mouth and buttoned her top.

Castle offered to burp the baby so that Kate could go and brush her teeth. Grateful for his help, she handed James over. Once he was settled in his dad's arms, she leaned in close to kiss the little mite on his forehead. The baby snuffled and stirred for a moment, frowning and writhing his head, but as soon as he re-settled and relaxed, she carefully draped her partner's shoulder with a cloth and quietly slipped out of bed.

Castle needed a cuddle. He badly needed a cuddle from this blameless, blank slate of a child while he came to terms with his feelings of disappointment and betrayal towards his almost-grown daughter. He didn't think anything had ever hurt so much. The last few days had really rocked his world. He was starting to question everything he thought he knew.

Kate's voice, calling softly, brought him out of these dark thoughts and back to the present. "Hey, it'll be okay," she said, pausing by the bedroom door. " _She'll_ be okay." She held onto the doorjamb with both hands, watching him with her cheek resting against her forearm and her head slightly tilted to one side. The wariness in her eyes gave away her genuine concern for Castle, though she tried to smile bravely for his sake. He looked more broken now than he had when he'd showed up at the cabin earlier today.

Castle nodded. His lips were pressed to the back of his son's head, nose buried in the baby's wispy, dark hair. "Wish I could say the same about me," he muttered darkly, and then he held the baby closer.

"I'm not defending them, Rick. But they did what they did because they care about you. They both love you, Alexis _and_ your mom. They didn't want to see you get hurt. Even I can understand that. The wrong turns we both took…they're what really put us in this mess. Don't lash out at the wrong people," she counselled. "That's all I'm saying."

Castle sighed and raised his eyebrows. "We are where we are?" he suggested with a shrug.

Kate offered him a tired smile and a nod of encouragement. "Now you're talking." Gesturing towards her partner and the baby she added, "And where we are looks pretty good from where I'm standing."

"Creepy, Beckett!" he called out after her when she winked and blew him as kiss before disappearing out into the hallway. He could hear her giggle with laughter as she went. While he had had to force this nugget of humor, trying for other people felt good. After all, it's what he did best.

He took great comfort from his baby son, lying peaceful in his arms. His innocence made everything seem that little bit brighter. He could feel it already. There was new hope in the world; in Castle and Kate's world at least.

* * *

When Kate returned from the bathroom, Castle was stooped over the white crib that she and her dad had set up beside the bed. James was lying on his back and Castle was talking quietly to him. She paused by the door to listen so as not to disturb this precious father-son moment. They hadn't spent a night together yet, not even a full twenty-four hours. This would be a first, and Kate dearly wanted to let Castle put his baby down for the night so that he maybe felt he'd regained a little control after everything that had happened. She wanted him to feel that he hadn't really missed that out on that much, though in truth sometimes she felt very much that he had. Viewed in a positive light, this moment of bonding seemed very important.

So Kate watched, breath held, as her partner drew a sheet decorated with tiny elephants over the baby's legs and continued talking to him quietly. He had an unfamiliar soft toy in his hand, and he was holding it over the crib, showing it James. The baby looked up at him calmly, with eyes that were ever watchful.

"This is Albert," she heard him tell James.

Castle had his 'story time' voice on. The voice she loved to listen to when he'd tell her some wild, outlandish, made-up tale, just as he was doing for their baby right now. This moment, right here, was a dream come true for her. She pressed a hand over her heart and felt it contract with deep love for both of them.

"Albert is almost eighteen years old," Castle continued. "He's travelled to a _lot_ of places and he is one wise old bear. Albert belonged to your big sister, Alexis, and now he belongs to you. So I'm going to put Albert up here," he said, placing the bear in sight of the crib but out of reach, "where he can watch over you while you sleep." Then he leaned down and kissed his sleepy son on the forehead. "Night, night, James. Mommy and daddy will both be here in the morning when you wake up," he whispered, stroking the baby's leg.

Castle stiffened and stood up self-consciously when he heard Kate clear her throat as she finally entered the room. He turned to face her. "I…I hope that's okay. I brought one of Alexis' old bears with me. Seemed like a good idea at the time." He was blushing.

Kate smiled softly. Her eyes were glittering with emotion. "I think Albert is a lovely idea. And, Castle, you don't have to check with me. He's your son too," she reminded him, gently but firmly.

He nodded, absorbing the huge significance of what Kate had just said. Everything was going to be okay. They had a son together. The doctor was gone. She wanted him. They had _a son._

He turned back to face the crib, too absorbed and enthralled with watching his newborn child to look away for long. "I didn't have time to go clean out _Buy Buy Baby_ before I came up here," he chuckled nervously.

Kate smiled wider. Her face was softer and slightly rounder than before, he noticed. "Hey, we can go together," she offered, coming over to join him.

Castle looked super excited. "Did you choose a stroller yet?"

Kate opened her arms for a hug. "I have a gift card Lanie and the boys gave me. But I was going to wait until I got back to the city. I've been using his baby carrier and the car seat for now."

Castle sighed a happy sigh as he enfolded Kate in a massive hug. "This is _so_ exciting. Technology these days? Strollers are like high performance cars. Nothing like the stuff Alexis had to put up with," he rattled on enthusiastically, giving her a squeeze.

Kate laughed quietly into Castle chest. "I doubt Alexis suffered for a second. How many strollers did you go through back then?"

"Eh…I think I bought three or four in the end…" he admitted.

Kate gasped.

"But in my defense…Manhattan streets. I mean, come on, Beckett. It's like one giant construction site out there. And we needed one for the Hamptons too. An off-roader that could cope with salt and sand."

"Oh, of course," Kate nodded through a grin. "Only the best for your little princess."

"Yes, and it'll be only the best for our little prince too. Now, you look dead on your feet. But still beautiful," he quickly added to get a smile. "Time you slept while he sleeps," Castle whispered, nodding over his shoulder at the crib.

"I'll just kiss him goodnight," Kate said, turning with Castle to their sleeping baby.

She stood with her hands on the rail of the crib watching her son, a lump of love in her throat and a mass of gratitude swelling her chest. Castle fit his body in behind her. Wrapping her in his arms, he watched his baby boy sleep over his partner's shoulder, his cheek pressed next to hers. The first night of many this little trio would spend together, he hoped.

"Three days ago I didn't even know this little guy existed. I was worried on the way up here that…"

"What?" Kate whispered, turning her head to brush her nose along the line of his jaw. Her eyes fluttered closed.

Castle held her tighter. "First, that he wouldn't be mine," he admitted.

"And then?"

"With Alexis it was love at first sight. Literally."

Kate tightened her fingers around the rail of the crib. Her protective, maternal instinct made her brace for anything that might hurt her precious little boy. But this was Castle, and he'd rarely let her down. She didn't even have to prompt him.

"It's exactly the same with James. How is that even possible?" he asked, marveling at the love he felt for the tiny human lying sleeping in front of him.

Kate turned in Castle's arms. "The same way I knew that this baby was yours without needing any test. We love him because we made him together. You and me, Rick."

Castle took a deep breath and then slowly let the air leave his chest. He felt happy and at peace for the first time in months. He felt an abundance of hope despite everything they'd been through to get here.

"Alexis was right about one thing tonight," he said, drowning himself in Kate's dark, soulful eyes. "I am in love with you. Now I know all of this will take time," he rushed to add. "What we were or what we were becoming was undefined before things got confused. So…I thought maybe the guest room would be a good place for me to—"

Kate silenced him with her mouth. Stretched up on tiptoe, her arms linked behind his neck, she silenced him with the soft press of her lips and the gentle but demanding slick of her tongue. When he opened for her they both groaned quietly, hands clutching clothing and flesh, breathless with need in seconds.

Kate shook her head and nuzzled his neck. "You don't get to tell me you love me and then disappear to the room next door," she whispered fiercely. "We're sleeping in here tonight. All three of us. And when he wakes in the night, you'll be here. You'll be here, Castle. And that's all I need in this world, understand?"

Castle dropped his hands to her hips and then he nodded. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and straightened her disheveled tank top.

"Good, then get in. I'm getting cold out here," Kate said. She climbed into bed and then settled beneath the sheets, holding up the covers so that Castle could join her.

Clipped and glib as her bossiness was, it hid a lot. Just as it was designed to. He could see the love she felt for him shining in her eyes and he could read the relief in her face. The weight she'd been carrying alone since finding out about her pregnancy had been eased a lot by him finally being here with her now. How lonely she must have felt, up at this cabin in the woods by herself with nothing but a newborn and the radio for company. Much as he never wished for her to suffer, somehow the knowledge of her suffering eased Castle's pain just a little too. And that made him feel sad as much as it made him feel glad not to be so alone.

* * *

 _Thank you for your continued company and enthusiasm for this story._


	9. Chapter 9

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 9_

They had shared a bed just one before, and then only for a few restless hours. Tonight felt as if they'd travelled back in time together for an illicit tryst in her parent's bed. Aside from the baby sleeping a few feet away, they could have been teenagers. Okay, so long as you ignored his dodgy knee and creaky back, and Kate's milk-swollen breasts and the post-partum softness of her tummy. The point was, this wasn't really 'old times' for them, since old times had meant a deep bond they both knew existed but never dared act upon. Until that one fateful night ten months ago, that was. So there was no formula or routine here, no "let me rub your back and then we kiss each other goodnight." Nothing.

What to do?

Castle hurriedly shimmied out of his jeans. Hopping on one leg at one point, he tried hard not to stumble. The thought of falling on his face, with the risk of waking up the baby, was neither dignified nor desirable.

 _They had a baby!_ This blew his mind. Every time he thought about it, it damn well blew his mind.

With shaking hands he shed his shirt to the chair in the corner. His socks joined the pile and, like a game of strip poker, his watch came off next to be placed on the dresser alongside Kate's mom's ring and the chunky watch of her dad's that she still wore.

He moved across the uneven floorboards in his bare feet, feeling the heat of Kate's eyes upon him the entire time. When he got into bed, his cheeks a nice shade of pink, Kate leaned over to bump his shoulder with her bare arm. "Are you sleeping in your undershirt?" she asked. He could hear the playful tone in her voice and it excited and terrified him equally. "Gets kind of warm up here at night since my dad insulated this entire place a few years back."

Mention of her dad wasn't helping, but Castle hadn't the heart to say. He ignored the teasing look in her eyes and met the subtle challenge she was laying down by crossing his arms, grasping the hem of his white t-shirt and slowly stripping it over his head. He tossed the shirt a few feet away and made a mental note not to skid on it if he had to get up in the middle of the night.

Tightening his abs, he asked, "Better?" while meeting her brazen stare with one of his own.

Kate nodded around a growing smile. "Much," she grinned, leaning in this time to kiss his bare shoulder rather tenderly.

Ever so slowly, she dragged her gaze up to meet his while she rested her chin on his arm. Click, their eyes met for a long, heated moment that was pregnant with meaning, before they unlocked and darted away again.

Kate sat up straighter, nodded to herself a couple of times as if making some internal decision, and then she forced herself to turn away. Her stomach fluttered and she fought it back down: this spark of desire she'd been kindling for months. For him. Desire for him.

Getting through her third trimester with only a little battery-operated help had been hell. Her fantasies had been frequent and vivid, always Castle and always the same dream: His bed, her lying naked on her side, close to term, while he entered her from behind with his huge hands spanning her ribs and her hardened belly. She shivered just thinking about it, and her already huge nipples tightened. When their sensitive peaks brushed the fabric of her tank top she had to stifle a moan of pleasure.

To hide her heated face, Kate reached for the switch on her side of the bed and quickly extinguished the lamp. Instantly, the bedroom was steeped in a mauve film of light. The windows were only covered by embroidered lace curtains, which allowed the night sky to suffuse the interior of the room, from floor to ceiling, with something of a dark ghostly veil.

Wordlessly, they both eased down beneath the sheets. Lying on their backs to begin with, they listened to the new range of sounds around them. The baby's breathing was barely audible above the whisper of wind through the stand of evergreens that surrounded the old cabin on three sides. The quiet seemed loud and distracting to Castle at first. It drew attention to the fact that they were alone, in bed together, something that seemed crazy unthinkable, and would have appeared an impossibility just this morning.

Eventually, Kate was driven to act. She breached the space between them when she searched the warmth of the bed for Castle's hand. He jumped in surprise when her cool fingers touched his bare flank, and she sniggered at his fright, whispering in the darkness, "I don't bite either," before she rolled onto her side and tugged her partner with her.

"You _can_ touch me, you know," she added after a moment of two, when Castle lay there stiffly, one arm slung as casually as he could manage over her waist atop the covers.

"I'm not sure of the rules," he confessed to the darkness.

"I don't think there are any rules for this," Kate replied, deeply amused by his total loss of suave.

True to form, Castle was emboldened by the fact that she was basically laughing at him. He never was one to back off when the gauntlet was thrown down. Tonight was no different. He went so far as to tighten his arms around her and drag her back across the bed until her back hit his chest and her rear molded neatly against his groin, so that they were spooning. "Better?" he rumbled into her ear, before nibbling playfully at the lobe.

Kate squirmed. "Don't, tickles," she whispered, trying to bury the sound of her laughter in her pillow.

"Don't squirm," he hissed, stilling them both with firm hands.

"Don't squirm? You're tickling me. What's wrong?" she asked, when he continued to lay there like broccoli.

"Um."

"Castle, what?" She twisted her head around to peer at him.

"How to put this?" he mused, slightly loosening his hold on her and easing back about an inch. "You're _far_ too sexy and I'm _way_ too sex-starved for your hot moves right now, Beckett."

Kate froze and bit her lip. Silence in the bedroom hit Mach 10. She squeezed her eyes shut and nervously cleared her throat "We could always—"

He kissed the back of her neck and dropped his head forward, pressing his nose to the dip at the top of her spine. If felt soothing, grounding even. "No, babe. Not yet."

He felt her nod. "I understand. Too soon?"

But she had the wrong end of the stick, so to speak. "It's not that. It's _definitely_ not that. Your body's still healing. That's what you came up here for, right? So you need time and rest. There's no rush."

Kate sighed a frustrated sigh. "I love how chivalrous you're being about this. But really, Castle, keep up this full body cuddling routine and I might just have to flip you over and mount you myself."

Castle spluttered in surprise and Kate had to roll over to cover his mouth with her hand. "Shhh, you'll wake the baby," she hissed.

He sniggered into his own pillow. "Sorry. Forgot for a second. What with all the dirty talk coming out of his mother's mouth."

Kate leaned up on her elbows. "Okay, look. How about this? I let you off the hook for tonight—"

"Kate, I don't _need_ to be let off the hook. There's nothing I'd like more, believe me. I just think you've had a lot on your shoulders lately. You must be exhausted looking after James by yourself. Let me take the strain for a bit. And then when things are more settled…we can…return to what got us here in the first place."

"We're using contraception this time," Kate blurted, and they both started to giggle again. "At the risk of blowing up your ego, your little guys are clearly the business if it only took one time."

"One time," Castle wheezed into her shoulder, burying his laughter in her tank top and the softness of her skin. "One time and I knocked you up. You must have been so mad."

Kate moved closer so that she could make out his face a little in the dim light. "In retrospect, it just seems so typical of you…and of us, that this would happen right away."

Castle sobered up enough to ask, "But at the time, how did you really feel?" Because these were things that he wanted to know – all the missed moments and the milestones. He wanted to hear all of it. Even the bad stuff.

"Scared," she answered without thinking. "Terrified, actually."

"Did you ever consider—"

" _No!_ " She answered instantly. "No, there was never any question of...not keeping him, you mean?"

Castle nodded. He brushed his fingers down her arm. Goosebumps rose along her skin. His touch was meant to show his gratitude. Gratitude for keeping their baby safe.

"By the time I figured out what was wrong with me…you'd been gone almost a couple of months. I was so focused on dealing with that…with you not being in my life anymore, with working cases alone that—"

Castle moved closer so that he could kiss her forehead and nuzzle her hair. "I'm so sorry, Kate. I couldn't bear the thought of watching the two of you together. Not after I'd had a taste of what if felt like to love you myself."

Kate gripped his hand hard. "We need to make sure that we talk to each other from now on, Castle. No matter what's bothering you, you have to promise you'll tell me. And if I'm shutting you out, you need to call me out on that too. Okay?"

"I promise."

"We have a son together. We can't afford to hide our feelings and not ask for what we want anymore. This is about more than just you and me now."

He nodded his agreement. "We can do this, Kate. I know we can."

"Good. I believe we can too," she said with an accompanying yawn.

"Okay, it's time you got some sleep, babe," he whispered, stroking her face.

"Did you just call me babe?" she asked with a smile. " _Again?_ "

"What if I did? Not okay?" She could hear Castle smiling too. It felt amazing - whispering with him in the dark, laughing again, being part of a team.

"Not at the Twelfth. The guys would slaughter us."

Mention of the precinct raised more questions Castle wasn't ready to deal with yet, such as why none of his three supposed friends had seen fit to alert him to the fact that Beckett was carrying his baby alone, without any support.

But in the darkness of the bedroom they were making a good start, allowing some of their secrets to breath air, letting their anxieties go, freeing themselves from the power of the past.

* * *

"He's very quiet," Castle noted, listening for any noise or movement from his son. "I don't even know…does he sleep through the night?"

Kate laughed quietly. "Have you really forgotten how this part goes? He's only three weeks old. He'll be awake for a feed before you've finished counting sheep."

"Oh."

"Yeah. That soon."

"Shame you're breastfeeding," he teased, stroking his thumb over the full curve of her right breast.

Kate twitched when he brushed the sensitive nerves around her nipple and then she found herself leaning into his touch. "Liar," she murmured lazily. Her body flooded with heat. "You _love_ that I'm breastfeeding. This is like the most you've seen my breasts… _ever._ "

"Okay, that part I like."

Kate could hear him smiling in the dark. "I knew it!" she laughed, poking him in the ribs.

Castle chuckled. "I just meant, if he was getting formula then I could take turns on night feeds. I am a bit of an expert."

He could hear Kate's answering grin when she said, "Well, lucky for you I expressed a couple of bottles this morning. They're chilling downstairs, Daddy Daycare."

"Mm," Castle grinned. "Me and my big mouth."

Kate stifled a laugh at that remark. But she kept her dirty thoughts to herself. His _big mouth_ could be put to good use some other time. As far as Kate was concerned, now he was back in her life, he was going no where.

So she stretched and rolled onto her back. "It's fine. I'm used to getting up. Some nights I'd just take him to bed with me, read for an hour and then feed him when he woke. Then I'd put him back in the crib until morning."

"I hate that you had to go through that alone. But he seems like a good baby."

"He is. He's been really easy so far. It's as if he knew somehow…he knew that I had a lot on my plate and he didn't want to make things any harder. He'd be so quiet sometimes I'd have to get up to go check on him."

"How was the birth?"

"That was pretty quiet too. You really want to hear this? I know it's hard."

"I need to know everything you can tell me. I want to fill in all that blank time."

"Okay. Well, I stayed home for as long as I could that night."

"When did you stop work?"

"I was on desk duty for the last three months. I stopped working two weeks before my due date. I went into labor around eleven. _SNL_ was on TV, I remember that. I ran a bath and then I called Lanie. When the contractions got stronger I paced the floor…I actually thought about calling you at one point, but only so I could yell at you for getting me into that mess," she laughed, but it was a little half-hearted and a little hollow.

"I wish you had called," Castle mused wistfully. "You could have yelled at me as much as you wanted. Then I'd have rubbed your back and fed you ice chips and let you squeeze my hand so hard you'd break my little pinkie."

"Is that how it went down with Meredith?" Kate smirked, enjoying the picture Castle was painting.

"Meredith? No." He shook his head. "No, she had an elective cesarean booked weeks in advance. I had to stop her getting it early so the baby wouldn't get too big and cause her more stretch marks."

Kate made a reflexive tutting noise and cleared her throat to cover it.

"It's okay. I know how unsuitable a mother she was…still is most of the time. That's how I also know that James hit the jackpot with you."

Kate shook her head, allowing some of her insecurities to come tumbling out. "Castle, how can you say that? We both know how self-centered I can be. How fixated I get on my job…"

"With good intentions…most of the time. I only had to see you with him for five minutes to know what a good mother you are. This is not a job, Kate. It's a vocation. It found you, not the other way around. You have nothing to worry about, believe me. You think Meredith was up nights breastfeeding Alexis by herself?"

"I'm guessing no."

"That's right. She put her straight onto formula from day one. Not that there's anything wrong with formula if you can't feed the baby yourself. But she didn't even try. She had no intention of ever trying because her career and her looks were always more important to her than the health of her baby. That's just not you."

"I'll have to go back to work at some point," Kate said quietly, introducing a subject that had been preying on her mind since long before the birth.

"That's entirely up to you. We can get help or you could take unpaid leave or I can look after James while you go back, even if that's part time. The point is: we have options and time to decide these things. And we're in this together now. You don't have to shoulder the burden alone anymore."

Kate snuggled into him. Resting her head on his chest, she asked, "How did I get so lucky, ending up with a partner like you?"

"I know I took my time getting here. But I'm here now and I'm here to stay. So I'd say we're both pretty lucky." He reached down to kiss her, and then he brushed his nose back and forth over hers until she smiled. "Thank you for giving me a son, Kate," he whispered. "You both mean the world to me."

* * *

 _Hope you had your tissues handy for that one. Did anyone spot the Pretty Woman reference? ;)_


	10. Chapter 10

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 10_

The alarm clock read just four forty-seven when Castle was finally able to makes his eyes focus on the blurry green digits. Kate was already sitting up, feet on the floor as she blindly reached for her robe, all by the time Castle had managed to struggle up onto just one elbow. Years of being on call as a detective, the age gap that he refused to acknowledge existed between them, together with her recent practice in nocturnal feeds gave her the edge on alertness. And speed. She was already running a soothing commentary to calm the baby down, while Castle was still working on forming actual words.

"No, stay," he managed to mumble above the baby's jerky cry. He plucked at the tie of her robe to slow her down. "You see to him and I'll go down and warm up a bottle."

Gratefully, Kate accepted his help. She crawled back onto the bed and kissed him square on the mouth, stroking his ear as she smiled sleepily into the kiss in the dreamy half-light of dawn.

"You're very welcome," Castle grinned, taking the chance to kiss her again, tongues meeting softly, exploring one another at a lazy pace before she was forced to tear herself away to deal with an increasingly vocal Beckett junior.

* * *

After stubbing his toe twice and swearing under his breath, Castle returned to the bedroom with a warm bottle of expressed breast milk and a fresh burp cloth. They met out in the hallway - like a pair of passing ghost ships - as Kate wandered past towards the bathroom toting a dirty diaper in a scented sack.

"I will _never_ smell lavender again and not think of poop," she complained, wrinkling her nose.

Castle laughed. "My mother wears some disgusting lavender perfume. I'm going to confiscate the bottle and forbid her from ever buying it again," he declared, quite pleased with himself. He grinned despite his state of exhaustion when he heard Kate laugh from out in the hall at this revenge plan.

He set the warmed bottle down on the nightstand and stooped over the crib to lift up his wide-eyed, hyper alert looking baby. James reached out to him. His undeveloped vision made him miss Castle's jaw by inches again and graze his nose instead. Castle gummed the baby's tiny fingers with his lips while making _'nom nom'_ noises, and the baby squirmed and grinned back at him. Castle touched noses with the baby for a tiny eskimo kiss and James kicked his skinny long legs with excitement now that he was free of his pajamas and stripped down to just a fresh diaper.

He shifted the baby into the crook of his arm, tossed the burp cloth over his right shoulder and reached for the bottle. Yes, it was just like riding a bike, he told himself.

* * *

When Kate returned to the bedroom, still drying her hands on a towel, she stopped dead inside the doorway to stare at the vision in front of her. Rocking back and forth in the glider she'd installed expressly for this purpose, sat her partner and her son. Castle was wearing nothing but his boxer shorts and James was still bare except for his diaper. The baby was draped over his dad's chest and shoulder, and this skin-to-skin contact, after half a bottle, was enough to put the little guy straight back to sleep.

Kate surreptitiously reached for her phone while Castle, unaware he was being observed, continued to hum to the baby as they glided back and forth in the rocker. When she snapped a shot with her phone's camera, the shutter click grabbed Castle's attention and he looked over at her.

"Got me," he mumbled sleepily, blinking hard. "I almost fell asleep with him," he confessed, rubbing his eye with the heel of his hand.

Kate set her phone aside and came over to help. She lifted the sleeping baby out of Castle's arms and carried him back to the change table, expertly snapping him into a dove gray onesie without even waking him up. Then she laid him back in his crib and yawned.

"Come on, daddy. Back to bed for a few hours," she whispered, taking the writer by the hand.

They climbed into bed together once more. Kate curled into Castle's side when he settled on his back, her cheek smushed up against his warm biceps while he stared up at the ceiling. The strangeness from earlier had all but vanished. The months of separation seemed like a bad dream. Too exhausted to talk this time, they fell asleep almost immediately and slept like logs until the sun crept into the bedroom at a little after six o'clock, filling the room with it's clean green light.

* * *

With no morning routine to fall back on they simply did whatever felt natural. Castle showered first while Kate fed James in bed, and then they bathed and dressed the baby together. Once James was fragrant, clothed and shiny, Castle went downstairs to make breakfast with the little man while Kate took her turn in the bathroom. The baby boy lay in his car seat in the center of the coffee table where Castle could keep an eye on him while he fried up eggs and bacon and whipped up a batch of blueberry pancakes.

"Something smells _amazing_ ," Kate declared. Her stomach rumbled loudly as she came downstairs dressed in yoga pants and a long white t-shirt. "Did daddy make us pancakes?" she clowned for her wide-eyed son. "Did he?" She smiled crazily at her gummy, grinning newborn.

Castle was standing by the stove with a spatula in his hand watching the pair engage in this mini staring contest - two besotted humans enjoying the heck out of one another's company. His heart melted to see how tender and loving and how natural Kate was with the baby. Her delight in her son was evident from the edge of the lake and beyond.

They ate their breakfast out on the front porch, plates balanced on their knees. Their baby boy lay in his car seat alongside, tiny fingers clinging onto Albert the bear. His new best friend.

"Feels like a warm one today," Castle said, looking up into the clear blue sky above just as a lone heron flew by, pink legs arrow-straight behind him, dusty blue feathers distinguished.

Kate bit her lip and sighed without meaning to. Castle glanced at her. "Hey. You okay?"

"How long can you stay?" she asked quietly, setting her empty plate aside. She picked up her mug of tea and hugged it to her chest.

"You been worrying about that?" he asked, turning his whole body to face her so that they bumped knees when he came to a stop.

She smiled wanly and offered him a one-shouldered shrug. "Maybe just a little," she admitted. She screwed her eyes up at the sun and glanced away when they began to water.

Gingerly, Castle ran his hand down her back. "Well, don't. I have this one thing…but it's manageable."

"How manageable?" Kate asked, watching him closely. She had upended his life enough in the last few days. She'd feel even more guilty if he lost out on anything else because of her.

Castle sighed and put his own plate down on the old wooden porch step. He reached for his coffee mug, buying time, reluctant to spoil the perfection of their first morning together as parents and whatever else you'd call them now. Were they a couple? He'd have to ask Kate about that later.

"Come on, Rick. Tell me," Kate cajoled, drawing him out of his pondering. "I'm a big girl. I can handle it. Whatever it is."

He took a deep breath. "I skipped out on a meeting with Gina and a few of the senior editors the other day." He fiddled with the handle of his coffee mug.

"After you read that article in the newspaper?" she asked, quietly.

He nodded, pursing his lips, then he scrubbed a hand over his eyes. "She's been texting me ever since," he admitted, with a wince.

Kate's eyes flared wide. "Wow! I'm surprised your phone hasn't combusted by now."

Castle chuckled. "Yeah, she doesn't pull her punches."

Kate fought back her disappointment for his sake. "Then you should go," she assured him, putting on a brave front, since having him leave was the last thing she actually wanted.

Castle reached for her, catching her hand. "No. No, look, that meeting was to pitch the stupid pirate idea as a replacement for Nikki Heat, but…" He looked away for a second, squinting at the view beyond the tree line. A flock of birds rose from the surface of the lake and he tracked them as they flew up and away.

A sly grin appeared on Kate's face. "You have a new Nikki idea, don't you?" she guessed, poking his calf with her bare toes.

Castle tried to school his features…and failed. "Might have," he teased.

"Come on. Tell me. Do you or don't you?"

"I had about a third of a novel outlined before things got weird. Then I put it aside. The rest is up here," he said, tapping his temple. "If I email her the first few chapters that should be enough to get her off my back…buy us some family time. How does that sound?" He seemed hesitant, as if this might not be what she wanted. But he couldn't have been more wrong.

Kate smiled shyly, so grateful, from the bottom of her heart grateful, that he would put her and their baby first. But as ever, she found it hard to ask for anything, so she played her answer down. "Sounds great," she admitted, warmly.

"Are you sure? Because I know you came up here to be alone with James, and now here _I_ am, crashing your party and—"

Kate interrupted. "Castle, I came up here to hide...that's probably closer to the truth. I didn't want to be a single mom. Not ever. But I was, and so I needed time to deal with that without people watching me all the time, wondering if I was going to cope or screw up."

There was a beat or two of shocked silence before Castle reacted, silence during which they both absorbed the painful truth she'd just put out there.

"Hey, hey," Castle said gently, putting his arm around her to comfort her. He shuffled closer and tucked her into his side, pressing a sound kiss to the top of her head. "I understand. It's okay. Now we just have to brace ourselves for people staring anyway…only for a slightly different reason. Right?" he joked, as brightly as he could muster.

Kate nodded. "Can you email Gina from here?" she asked, hopefully. Her eyes were dark and imploring. Her skin, though honeyed by the sun, seemed a little pale. Her exhaustion was deeper than she'd been letting on.

In that moment he saw past every barrier she'd ever put up and he wanted to give her everything. It killed him not to be able to do what she was asking.

Sadly, Castle shook his head. "My laptop is back at the loft," he winced. "I didn't think to pack it. So…I was thinking I could drive back today and then maybe come back up here tomorrow. What do you say?" The hope in his voice was unmistakable. There was deep regret lingering near the surface too.

Kate looked at him, her eyes darting to and fro over his features, mapping out his entire face. She chewed her lip for a moment before she took a deep breath and said, "What if I came back with you? What if the three of us drove back to the city together? We could stay a couple of days, you could deal with Gina, and then maybe we come back up here for the weekend…bring Alexis if she wanted."

To say that Castle smothered her with kisses was putting it mildly. He almost knocked her flat on her back. "Oh, thank God," he exclaimed over the sound of her breathless giggles while he hugged her. "I had no idea how I was going to say goodbye to you and this little one and then get in my car and drive away. That is definitely your best idea yet, Beckett. Manhattan here we come. Yes, let's do this. Our first family road trip!"

* * *

 _Thank you for coming on this journey with me. I'm thoroughly enjoying the company. The Pretty Woman reference in the last chapter, for those of you who've seen the movie, was the "lay like broccoli" comment Julia Robert's character, Vivian, makes when Richard Gere's Edward doesn't know what "veg out" means. I've always loved the way she says that line. :)_


	11. Chapter 11

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 11_

They were packed and ready to go within the hour. Kate fed and changed the baby, and then she loaded his diaper bag with wipes and burp cloths, diaper rash cream, a stack of newborn diapers, some terry cloth bibs, two pacifiers, a couple of changes of outfit and, of course, Albert the bear.

Castle was making runs back and forth to the car with the travel crib and shopping bags full of fleece blankets, soft toys, bottles, a breast pump and the sterilizing kit. He stopped to give her a kiss on the cheek on his way back out. He looked like he was on some kind of natural high, giddy with purpose and new-father love. _His_ happiness made Kate happy. It was quite infectious. She found it hard to stop smiling to herself.

"Boudreaux's _Butt Paste_?" he laughed, plucking a colorful tube of cream out of the baby's diaper bag for a closer look.

"Hey, shh! Don't give him a complex," Kate chided, repacking the tube so that they could get on the road before any snarl-ups could build up on the Saw Mill River Parkway.

Kate felt excited. For the first time since she had arrived at the cabin the prospect of going back to the city wasn't daunting as all hell. Being up here in safe isolation with her newborn had felt like a wonderful, natural haven when she was alone. The cabin had offered the perfect place for her to nest after giving birth, while she got to know her son and got a handle on the basics of motherhood. She'd been good at everything she'd attempted in life so far. But being a mother scared her. What if she couldn't master that role? The most important role any woman could undertake. She didn't want to fail her newborn son. But now Castle had come back into her life and he'd given her all the reassurance and confidence she needed to do the very best for James. With him by her side the city felt like a magical, manageable prospect again, a place full of familiar things she wanted her baby to grow up around. Just like she and Castle had.

* * *

"Got everything?" Castle asked. He was standing in the middle of the living room slowly spinning in a tight circle, keeping an eye out for any stray items they might have forgotten.

"You packed all the clothes I laid out on the bed upstairs?" Kate checked with him, while she tightened the straps on James' car seat.

They sounded just like any other parents to a young baby, heading back home after a short-stay vacation. This comforting thought made Kate smile.

Castle nodded. "Yep, baby's stuff fit in my overnighter. Such cute, tiny socks by the way," he said, wiggling is fingers as if they were miniature legs and feet. "And I put your clothes and our toiletries into the small carryon case you had in the closet upstairs. We can separate stuff out when we get back to your…apartment…if you want." He didn't want, but he wasn't going to risk pushing Kate. Things were going too well as it was. He didn't want to spook her by assuming their were all going to stay at the loft tonight.

So this was how they arrived at their first big test, the first of many they would doubtless have to face. And, as it turned out, Kate was the one who would navigate them safely through this early round.

She chewed a nail for a second and then she went for it. "Actually, I…I just kind of assumed we'd all be staying at the loft." Her cheeks felt hot, but she'd said it…aloud.

Castle ducked his head and when he looked up again he was smiling. "Oh," he said, rubbing the back of his neck.

She looked lightly alarmed. Like a deer in the headlights. "Is— If that's not okay, I mean…sure my apartment will…we can go there. Of course." She shrugged, backing down. "I mean with your mom and everything, you might want—"

Castle was in front of her in seconds, sweeping her into a hug. "The loft it is. I just didn't want to crowd you," he whispered in her ear.

When he pulled back it was to kiss her softly, his hands framing either side of her face. He deepened the kiss when she whimpered with need and pressed herself against him. Her fingers tightened maddeningly on the back of his shirt and in the rear pocket of his jeans.

"Do we have time?" she panted breathily, searching Castle's face for the answer when they came up for air.

"Don't put this on me," he beseeched her. "You're the one who wanted back in Manhattan by lunchtime."

Just as their moment of indecision teetered, the lust versus practicality battle was adjudicated by the impatient cry of baby Beckett, who scowled and squirmed in red-faced fury from the padded straps of his car seat. James Alexander Beckett had just called shotgun.

"Guess we have a decision," Castle chuckled, going back in for one last peck on the lips before he let Kate go.

* * *

"Wanna drive?" he asked, dangling the keys of his Mercedes out in front of her. They were standing by the car with the trunk still open, their luggage neatly packed inside. The cabin was all locked up and the water and gas had been shut off in case their plans changed and they didn't make it back up in the next few days.

Reluctantly, she shook her head. "I should probably ride in back with him, let you chauffeur us home this time. Besides," she added, patting his chest, "it'll keep me away from temptation."

Castle's eyes widened in delight. "We are _so_ gonna christen my new Ralph Lauren sheets."

"Easy, tiger," Kate laughed, as she lowered herself into the back seat of the car, "we've got a long drive ahead. I need your focus on the road."

"Precious cargo. Of course, Ma'am. I'll give it my full attention," he said, bowing slightly and touching the peak of an imaginary cap.

Kate sighed a happy sigh as she fastened her seatbelt and then turned to check on James. "Daddy's still as silly as ever," she told the gurgling baby boy in a funny high-pitched voice, squeezing his velour-clad toes and giving them a little shake. "Just as silly as ever."

To say that this was a relief, was the understatement of the year.

* * *

Traffic was light, and so they made good time. The motion of the car seemed to soothe James, as it did many babies, and as a result he slept until they came in sight of the George Washington Bridge. Castle had mainly kept his focus on the road, as he'd promised, but they had used some of the time to talk quietly about little things they'd missed during their months apart. Without comparing notes, they held back on the more thorny issues, saving them for the darkness they knew they could rely on as a form of confessional when they went to bed that night.

Kate talked about some of the more notable cases she thought Castle would have enjoyed. But all of these memories were enmeshed in the daily hurt of not having her partner by her side. So the stories stalled at points, and eventually they changed the subject to safer, more neutral topics, like Alexis' college applications and Martha's perpetually torrid love life.

They shot down the West Side Highway all the way to Spring Street, where Castle turned off to take them into SoHo. He pulled up in front of his building a few minutes later, having called Eduardo from the car.

"Okay, guys, we're home," he sang with a grin. He turned to check on his two passengers, only to find them both fast asleep amid the leather luxury of the silver Benz.

Castle smiled to himself and then he unfastened his seatbelt so that he could reach back and gently touch Kate on the knee. "Hey, Kate." He gave her knee a light squeeze.

"Mm," she mumbled, licking her lips.

His heart swelled at how adorably unaware she was, how soft and vulnerable in sleep. He raised his voice a little. "Beckett, we're here."

Her eyes flew open and she rubbed them. "I fell asleep? How long was I out?"

He smiled. "Not long."

"This isn't like me," she grumbled. She released her seatbelt and arched her back.

"Kate, you're feeding another human being. Go easy on yourself. Besides, we talked for ages last night. You really didn't get much sleep."

Eduardo appeared at the rear of the car with a luggage cart and Castle waved at the man in the rearview mirror and popped the trunk. "Let's get James upstairs. We can have some lunch and then we can all take a nap, hmm? How does that sound?"

She smiled tiredly and then nodded her agreement. "Sounds perfect, actually." And it did, it really did.

* * *

"I hope your mother doesn't die of shock when we stroll in with a brand new grandchild and all this stuff," she said, standing by the elevator with the bellhop cart loaded to the gunnels.

Castle held James in his car seat while Kate carried the diaper bag, which also doubled as her purse these days.

"Hey, my mother has had more of a heads up than I did. Anyway, I'm sure Alexis filled her in after our call last night. Those two are clearly thick as thieves."

"But just showing up like this," Kate hissed, walking into the elevator behind Eduardo. She was beginning to wonder if going to the loft was such a wise decision. But then Castle caught hold of her hand and he drew her into his side. "Who could object to this little face?" he asked, as the baby blinked innocently at them. His dark lashes fluttered at the bright overhead lights and he turned his head away.

Kate reached out to brush James' hair to one side. "You're our Trojan horse, poppet," she said, laughing when the baby sneezed, startling himself.

"I hope he doesn't come down with something because we brought him back to the city."

"Daddy, stop fretting. You raised Alexis in the city and she turned out fit and healthy."

* * *

Before they knew it, they were standing inside the loft with their baggage around their feet. The cavernous space seemed quiet and empty.

"Don't you think we should have called first?" Kate whispered.

"No, this is _my_ home," Castle whispered back with some indignation.

"So why are we whispering?" Kate asked at normal volume.

They turned to one another and started to laugh at the ridiculousness of their behavior. "You're right. We're adults. We have a baby for God's sake. Why are we acting like teenagers who've been caught in the act?"

" _Richard?_ Richard, is that you?"

Castle nearly jumped out of his skin. "Jeez, mother, you almost gave me a heart attack."

"Smooth," Kate mouthed, earning herself a view of Castle's tongue when he stuck it out at her.

"Seriously, Richard, how old are you? And what kind of example is that to show… _my grandson_ ," Martha beamed, briefly cooing over the baby before turning to envelop Kate in a gentle hug. "My darling, how _are_ you? You look wonderful," she exclaimed, taking Kate's hand. "Doesn't she look radiant, Richard?"

Kate smiled stiffly, and then glared at Castle who was making faces at her behind his mother's back.

"I know what you're up to back there," Martha scolded, without ever turning round.

Castle's look of shock drew a snigger from Kate. She pursed her lips to hold it in.

"Eyes in the back of your head. That's the gift granted to all new mothers in the delivery room. Isn't that right, Katherine?" Martha announced, winking conspiratorially at Kate.

"Oh, for sure," Kate played along. "I can't wait to use it at work. The boys won't know what's hit them."

Castle made a scoffing sound and headed over to the sofa to unclip James from his car seat, whispering secrets to his son all the while. The baby felt warm and soft beneath his little blanket and Castle shrugged out of his jacket to cradle the baby against his chest and protect him from the change of temperature.

When he turned back round, his mother and Kate were facing him, both with matching, soft smiles on their faces. Castle's own expression became an effortless mirror in an instant. Gently cradling the baby's head and rear, he held him out to his mother. "James Alexander, meet your grandma Rodgers."

Martha seemed a little overcome at first and quite flustered when she reached for her grandson. "Oh, my," she whispered, holding the baby in her arms for the first time. "What a little beauty."

The baby stared up at Martha and then he appeared to swivel his gaze back towards Kate. "I'm right here," she sang, stroking her son's knee. "Right here, baby."

Martha locked eyes with Castle and the two exchanged a loaded glance. That Kate and the baby had established at strong, natural bond was clearly evident. Their time alone at the cabin had done them both a lot of good.

"This is a big day," Kate smiled at the baby. "A big day. And you're being such a good boy," she sing-songed, pleased to see her son reacting to the familiar sound of her voice.

"Well, I think someone might need changing," Martha declared, immediately handing the baby back to Castle.

Off Castle's slightly irritated look, Kate said, "I'll get the diaper bag. Are we…"

"Yeah, we'll get set up in my room," he agreed, as the pair once more read one another's minds.

"Eh, Katherine?" Martha called, before Kate could leave the room. "A moment, my dear?"

Kate froze and turned back round.

Martha approached her warily, waiting until her son had entered his bedroom with the baby and they were alone before she said, "I just wanted to apologize."

Kate offered her a questioning frown. "What for?"

"That day…when we met outside the theater and you were…" She waved a bejeweled hand towards Kate's midsection.

"Pregnant?" Kate filled in for Castle's mother.

"Yes, that. I hope you don't think I was being callous or interfering when I kept that information from Richard."

Kate took a second to respond. Aiming for measured she said, "I think that what happened is largely our own fault. But things are good now and…" She nodded, giving the older woman a tight smile. "I think I hear my son crying. I should go."

Martha _had_ interfered by choosing to share the news of her pregnancy only with Alexis. While there was no guarantee the news would have changed Castle's mind and made him come running, it was hard not to hold that decision against her in some way. The longer she and Castle spent together and the more they talked, the higher Kate's certainty that he would have been there for her had he only known. Getting over the ramifications that Martha's silence may have had both for Martha's own son and for Kate's son would take her a little longer.

* * *

"What did my mother want?" Castle asked. He watched Kate closely, clearly on alert for trouble.

He had already set the travel crib up in the corner and he had dumped the rest of the bags at the end of the very large bed.

Kate stood in the middle of this unfamiliar room taking the whole thing in. She liked what she saw very much. The décor and soft furnishings were all Castle, not a hint of anyone else's hand anywhere. She felt right at home immediately. All her nerves and worries about the ghosts of his relationships past were vanquished at a stroke.

"Kate? You okay?" he asked, his features hardening with concern. "She didn't upset you did she?"

Kate shook her head and walked over to the bed where her baby was lying, kicking his little legs now that he had been relieved of his bodysuit. She sat down beside him and laid her hand on his tummy. "She was trying to apologize," she admitted, wearily. "About that day we met…about not telling you that I was pregnant."

Castle studied her face in silence.

"My head knows that she's not to blame for how things played out. But my heart…" she trailed off.

Castle stroked his hand down her back and then squeezed her shoulder. "Don't feel guilty. I'm mad at her too. And at Alexis. They were trying to do the right thing. I know that, logically. But it's still hard not to feel manipulated."

Kate nodded. "Exactly."

She rose from the bed and went over to one of the bags. "Better use this," she suggested, holding up the changing pad they had brought down from the cabin. She offered Castle a smile to cheer him up. "Wouldn't want to ruin those beautiful Ralph Lauren sheets," she winked, kissing his cheek before trailing him and their baby son to the bathroom for a diaper change.

* * *

 _Thank you for reading and reviewing. Been meaning to mention that there's a new photo to accompany each chapter of this story on my Twitter page. If you're interested, I'm livwilder2. Also, thank you to all the first time reviewers. It's great to hear from so many new friends, especially at this sad and difficult time for the Castle fandom._


	12. Chapter 12

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 12_

After lunch and another feed, all three settled down in Castle's room, just as they had talked about, to take an afternoon nap. The loft was quiet, the temperature just that perfect side of warm, and Kate dozed peacefully for a couple of hours while James napped alongside her in his co-sleeper Snuggle Nest.

Castle lay beside Kate, watching her for awhile. He looked from his partner to his baby son and back so many times he got dizzy, comparing smooth, perfect faces of mother and child while they slept, still marveling at the week's dramatic turn of events. He watched her chest rise and fall with every breath, the calm serenity of her face, and he felt a subtle shift inside his own chest.

There was still a bitter, regretful, angry splinter he had yet to draw out, true. Every time he looked at Kate now - with her softened, more fecund body, her milk-swollen breasts, the new lines on her face sketched in by tiredness and worry - he was reminded of the gulf between them. A gulf of time and experience and needless pain. When he studied her today, as he had so many times in the past, he resolved once more to become an even better man. A better man for her and for both of his children. There was no greater goal in life than that.

So many wrong turns were of his own making, and that was the hard-to-swallow crux of it all for Castle. But inside his lesser self lurked a deep desire to cast the blame for his loss, and his child's loss, farther and wider than his own backyard. He ticked off suspects in his head, formed a photo array of his nearest and dearest, people he thought of as family. He wondered what it would take to salve his regret and ease his conscience. His guilt and anger extended to himself first, before it reached for anyone else. If it were possible to punish one part of you for the bad choices made by some other part of the same you - character, psyche, or mind - Castle had set up that compartmentalization, and he was sharing that blame around.

Kate shifted in her sleep and he held his breath, willing her to stay under for a little while longer. He had won the fair maiden, sired the child and banished the evil doctor from his kingdom. But the fairytale felt incomplete. With a sigh and a plea, he knew he'd need a little more magic to find the missing piece that would mend his battered heart.

* * *

For as long as he could, Castle remained beside Kate and baby James on the bed while his little family slumbered. He sat with his back to the headboard and an unread book in his lap until restless legs and a desire for some good coffee carried him back out to the kitchen. His final glance over his shoulder, before he left the warm, womblike quiet of the bedroom, enabled him to take a mental snapshot of a scene he never thought he'd see. Not in his wildest imaginings of life with Detective Kate Beckett did he ever dream they'd achieve something like this. He savored the moment, and then he tucked it away in his memory for a rainy day.

He had his back to the living room, and was just adding a swirl of half-and-half to his cup, when he heard the scrape of a kitchen stool against the tiled floor. When he turned around his mother was carefully perching herself at the island. All dressed up in a smart, Kelly green suit, ready for going God only knows where, she had a knowing look on her face that troubled him.

She patted the space next to her, heavy bracelets jangling against the countertop. "Come. Darling, sit with me," she said, though her request contained little suggestion and was in fact more of a Martha Rodgers command performance in the offing.

Having a discussion with his mother was the last thing Castle wanted right at that moment. He was tired, and yet wired, and he just wanted a few quiet moments alone in which to think, and perhaps to wallow a little, while he drank his coffee. But a conversation would have to be held sometime. That much he knew. And here they were, alone together. So, after pouring a second cup of coffee for Martha, he pulled out another stool and eased himself down.

He sat and he sipped and he waited. He would talk. Oh, he had plenty he wanted to say. But he was damned if he was going to make things easy for his mother this time around by rushing in to forgive, as was his usual M.O. So he waited, taking a leaf out of Kate's professional playbook – Interrogation 101 – and he allowed his uncharacteristic silence to do the work for him.

After just a handful of moments, during which he remained quietly and determinedly focused on his coffee cup, Martha cracked. "Darling, talk to me," she implored, with a restless fluttering of her hands.

Castle drew his gaze up from the coffee's steaming surface to regard his mother for a moment, and then he slowly lowered his eyes once more.

Frustration leaked into her voice the second time around, making her sterner and more earnest than usual. "Richard, I know that you are an honorable man. That's how I raised you. And James is a beautiful boy, no doubt. But while a baby is one thing—"

Castle looked up sharply. He narrowed his eyes, half-disbelieving and half-disgusted by the direction his mother's thinking appeared to have taken. "What exactly are you trying to say, mother?"

Martha emitted a gritted-tooth sigh. "You're taking on this child, and…and suddenly you're what? _Living_ with it's mother after you two spent one night together? I assume it was one night in any case. Not that I would know."

Castle was now appalled and baffled by what he was hearing, two sides of the same coin. If ever there was a case of the kettle calling the pot black, it had to be this. "You're one to talk," he said, pointedly, highly aware of the circumstance of his own conception. "And have you forgotten who we're talking about? This is _Kate,_ mother. My partner of three years. Not some one night stand."

Martha cut in. "And on the strength of one night of passion—"

Castle hurried to shut her criticism down because he couldn't bear to hear anymore. "One night, yes. One night, and I have _regretted_ not being with her every day since because sometimes, mother…sometimes you just know."

Martha looked stung. But her paralysis didn't last long. "Are you even sure the baby is yours? I thought she was with that doctor when you two…you know…" She waved a bony hand and twitched her stencilled brows. " _Hooked up_ , I think they call it these days?"

Castle took a deep, much-needed breath, and forced himself to control his temper. "Kate had a DNA test done after James was born, if you must know. _Not_ because she needed to, but for my sake. You know, the birth of my son that I missed because you decided that…what, I couldn't cope with the truth?"

Martha rushed to her own defense, eagerly playing the parent card, because how could you argue against that. "You're already a father. So you know you'd do anything to keep Alexis safe, and have done. I was just doing the same thing for you," she explained, prickly.

"Well, this time I can't say I'm feeling thankful, mother. And you made my daughter complicit in your secret too. That wasn't your call."

Martha nodded in a small show of contrition. Her hand fluttered at her throat, fingers snagging on a navy and gold lucite necklace. "With hindsight, I could perhaps have handled things differently where Alexis was concerned. But in my defense—"

Castle cut Martha off. "There is no defending what you did. Not this time, mother."

The actress sank back against her bar stool, momentarily winded, or wishing to appear that way. After a beat or two of this dramatic pose, she rose back up to her full height, spine and shoulders ramrod straight, perfect acting posture. Piously, she folded her hands on top of the counter. The gesture was a punctuation of sorts. "I'm sorry you see it that way," she said, quietly, reaching for her coffee cup.

* * *

Before Castle could think to add anything more, he heard sounds of movement and soft footsteps behind him. He turned to find Kate barefoot and wary-looking. She was hesitating just outside the bedroom door.

"I'm sorry if I'm interrupting. James needs fed…I just wanted to get a glass of water."

Castle immediately hopped down off his stool, his mother dismissed for now. He headed straight for the refrigerator to fetch a bottle of mineral water and plucked a glass from the cabinet above. "I'll come with you. Is there anything else you need?" he asked. He kept his back to his mother and his focus on Kate, and Martha quietly melted into the background.

Kate moved stiffly towards the crib where James lay gurgling to himself, tiny fingers stuffed into his open mouth. She checked he was still content for the moment before turning back to face Castle. Her eyes were dark with concern.

"How much did you hear?" he asked, since that she had heard something of the conversation outside was plainly written on her face.

"I don't want to come between you and your family, Castle." She dropped her head into her hands as she sank down onto the bed and bowed over her knees. "This is a nightmare," she said aloud, mostly to herself, raking her hands through her bobbed hair. "Maybe I should go to Lanie's."

Castle fell to his knees in front of her and placed his hands on her thighs. "Kate? Kate, please look at me," he implored her, gently.

She raised her head and Castle reach for her hands. Gratefully, they clung on to one another. "First of all, you're a part of this family now…you and _our_ son. Second of all, I don't want you going anywhere and this is _my_ home. Lastly, since I came up to the cabin two days ago, I am the _happiest_ I've been since I left your bed all those months ago. The happiest, Kate. So please, don't take that away from me."

She roamed his face with unhidden tenderness, feeling pain in her chest on his behalf. His family meant the world to him, he was a good, kind man. An honest man. This messy conflict with his mother had to be breaking his heart. "I hate to hear you fighting with your mom because of me," she admitted, biting her lip.

"Kate, we scrap now and then," he assured her, trying to offer up a smile. He explained this because all families were different in that respect and he knew little of Kate's normal family dynamic before her mother died. "Even before you and I met," he continued, "we squabbled and we niggled. But then show me a grown man who lives with his mother and doesn't get driven crazy sometimes. It doesn't mean we don't love each other. But she crossed a line this time, and I can't let that slide without making myself heard. This is too important. Do you understand? Otherwise she'll do it again."

Kate released a watery laugh. "She's Martha. She'll do it again no matter what you say."

Castle laughed too, a good part of which was in relief. "You're probably right. You are. Interfering is in her DNA. But she has to know that you're my priority now. You and James. I'm not going to let anything get in the way of that."

Kate felt her chin quiver and her eyes filled with tears. Hearing how fiercely he wanted to fight for her, after everything, was more than she could ever have expected or even hoped for. "I'll be so glad when my hormones settle down," she chuckled. "I've never felt so emotional."

Castle smiled and touched her cheek. "Welcome to my world, babe. How you're feeling now is how I feel every time I watch that Extra chewing gum commercial. You know the one where the girl's going off to college and her dad finds a box full of all the little origami birds he made for her with his gum wrappers?"

Kate tugged on his hand. "Such a sap," she sniffed, brushing away a tear.

"I'll take that insult like a man. Just so long as you promise me one thing."

"What's that?" she asked, letting him dry the rest of her tears with his handkerchief.

"No more talk of going to Lanie's. Unless it's for a quick auntie visit. Okay?"

Kate nodded her agreement.

"Good. Now I think someone wants his afternoon snack. Before he devours his own fingers."

They both rose from the bed and then they hugged. Each squeezed the other tightly, holding on far longer than necessary. They made a good team, of that there was no doubt. They had before when the overlap in their life was all about work. These last two days had taken things to a whole new level. Not for a second had Castle let her down or disappointed her, despite his evident pain and disappointment. All Kate's worries about how their partnership might change, if they allowed it to become something deeper, were melting into nothingness, like snowflakes on her tongue.

"Never a dull moment," Kate mumbled, as she lifted the baby out of the crib and placed him on her shoulder to carry him back to bed. "Okay if I feed him here? These pillows are great support."

"Sure. However you feel comfortable," Castle assured her.

He fussed around her like an old doula might. He made the pillows into a V-shape to help relieve her back pain, and grabbed another pillow on which she could lay the baby while he took his feed. He brought her more water and he chatted quietly, folding laundry and moving clothes from drawer to drawer.

He waited until Kate was settled and then decided to give her a little space. He held up his cell phone as he backed out of the room. "I'm just going to call Gina. Tell her I'm in town for a day or so…see if she'll be happy if I throw her a bone."

"The first few chapters?" Kate asked, giving him a bright and hopeful look.

"The very ones, yeah. Won't be a minute," he promised. "Just holler if you need anything. I'll be in my office," he explained, before disappearing through the adjoining door.

They had just weathered another storm, getting through it together; tighter, better. But it would take awhile before Kate could reconcile herself to her part in this temporary rift that had opened up between Castle and Martha. While the end might justify the means, the truth always will out, and that fact troubled her no end.

* * *

 _Thank you for reading. I'm glad this story seems to be bringing some relief and comfort from real life. I keep having moments where the fact of no more Beckett and no more Lanie hits me, and it seems so unreal. I hope there's Karma at some point for dumb decisions like these. Castle, from the very start, turned around the potential of a love story. That's why we all tuned in. That that love story was destroyed once it reached its zenith - the wedding and their marriage - shows a lack of imagination and a lack of faith in these characters' ability to keep their love fresh while still fighting crime together. I know other factors have come to play behind the scenes, but the writing deserted this love story as much as anything else, in my view. And to think the show can go on with one half of that love story missing is utter lunacy. I'm just so disappointed. Liv_


	13. Chapter 13

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 13_

Kate raised her head at the sound of quiet knocking.

"Hey, how's it going in here?" Castle asked, popping his head around the door.

He reentered the bedroom with a new sense of purpose, a desire to dig in and fix things, to focus on the positive. He tried to put that feeling into his step and his voice and the smile on his face.

Kate was settled back against the headboard, nestled in a pile of pillows with the baby resting on her thighs. "All fed. Full tummy."

She looked much happier than before he had left the room. Castle felt relieved. He loved the secret smile that played around her mouth and eyes any time she looked at their son. It almost felt as if she was smiling back at him.

"How was Gina? Did you manage to appease her?" she asked, tearing her eyes from James' peaceful face to glance at her partner.

Castle laughed as he settled on the edge of the bed by Kate's hip. James had drifted off again and was dozing in her lap. His long lashes lay against the pale swell of his plum baby cheeks and his dark hair formed a fluffy halo around his head. He stroked the back of the baby's hand, marveling at the smoothness of his skin and the tiny dimples above each finger, and then he focused his attention on Kate.

"She wants me to come in," he explained, sounding regretful. "Just for an hour."

"Right." Kate nodded slowly, absorbing this information.

"I don't think she's convinced I have as much of the new novel outlined as I've told her. She wants me to walk her through it in person."

Kate's eyebrows shot up. "All this time and she doesn't have more faith in you?"

Castle looked down at his hands. He seemed troubled. "I messed her around a lot," he admitted.

Kate caught a glimpse of the outline of a darker story in his posture and tone, but she let it hide in the shadows for now.

"She had to cover for me with the board…persuade them that I was good for my last advance…that I'd come up with something to replace Nikki," he explained, taking a while to meet her eye. They both knew why.

"I see," Kate replied, keeping her voice neutral.

Castle gently touched her arm. "I promise I'll get out of there as fast as I can. I don't want to do this…but I feel like I owe her, Kate."

"Look…it's fine. We'll be fine. In fact, I think I'll put him in his carrier and go for a walk. Show him the neighborhood."

Castle was disappointed not to be going out with them for his baby's first outing around SoHo, but he tried not to show it. He couldn't expect Kate to just hang around the loft waiting for him to become free. "You sure? Not too tired?"

Kate smiled softly at his concern. "Castle, I slept half the afternoon. You go. And don't worry about us."

"Worrying's my job," he whispered, as he leaned down to kiss her on the cheek, and then he gently palmed the baby's head. "But thanks. I appreciate it."

"Besides, we're not joined at the hip," she reminded him, a trace of Beckett independence coming back into her tone.

Castle waggled his eyebrows, a comical gesture of his that she'd forgotten until this moment. "No, I'd just prefer it if we were."

Kate was rolling her eyes before he'd even finished speaking. "Seriously cheesy, Castle. Get going. Go on. Before we turn into one of those disgusting couples who do absolutely everything together."

He slapped his thigh in mock-dismay, grinning at her. "Darn. You've rumbled my master plan."

"Go!" she laughed, shooing him out of the bedroom.

* * *

By the time the writer exited the elevator on his publisher's floor, Gina was striding towards him across reception. Her heels clicked on the marble tile, every step piercing, like the ricochet of a nail gun.

Castle hadn't even opened his mouth and already she was scowling. "What took you so long?" she demanded, giving her mood away as caustic and adversarial from the off. She peered closer once he was right in front of her, her gaze settling on his chest. She leaned in and sniffed, instantly backing off again. "Do you have _baby spit up_ on your shirt?" Disgust colored the question and she wrinkled her nose.

Castle remained jaunty. Today, nothing would destroy his good mood, he'd decided. He would get this meeting successfully put to bed and then he'd head back home to spend time with the two newest loves of his life.

"Quite possibly," he answered, pulling a handkerchief from his pocket and dabbing at the faint spot. "I was cuddling with James before I left, so…"

Gina's features hardened into a different kind of distaste. " _So_ the lady detective snared you in the end," she proclaimed, looking Castle up and down as if he might have physically changed in some way since they last met. "And the kid in the paper…he's really yours?"

Castle let out a loud groan. "Not you too. I've had enough of the gold-digger insinuations from my mother."

Gina crossed her arms over her chest and flared out her hip. "We were all just looking out for you. Your mom included."

Castle's ears pricked up at this remark and he replayed her words in his head. _'Your mom included.'_

Paula appeared at Gina's elbow, and although the two women weren't always known to see eye-to-eye, they seemed to be presenting a remarkably united front on this occasion.

Castle narrowed his eyes. He looked from one face to the other. "You knew?" he asked Paula.

As was her style, his agent brazened it out. "We had your back, Ricky. All of us. That reporter from the _Daily News_ got nothing but denials this end, let me tell you."

"Denials?" he repeated, the full horror show he was witnessing finally sinking in.

"That's what you pay me for, right? To manage your image, run interference with those dirt-digging creeps from Page Six. You wouldn't believe half the crap I keep the hell away from you."

Castle felt a churning in his gut. He clenched and unclenched his fists. "But to be clear, you both knew? Am I right?" He searched their faces. "You knew about the baby…about Kate being pregnant with my son? You knew and you…"

He had to pause to catch his breath. His chest felt tight.

"Ricky, calm down," Paula soothed, though her trademark nasal whine was anything but soothing.

"No. I won't just calm down. Did you know or didn't you?"

Gina looked the guiltier of the two, or at least the most sorry. She cracked first. "Look, why don't we go to my office and talk about this?" she suggested cooly, making an attempt to placate while at the same time eager to remove this private matter from such a public space.

Castle fumed, at the end of his tether. "Gina, just answer the damn question."

She bit her lip. "Some barely-out-of-diapers celebrity vlogger spotted Kate leaving her Ob-Gyn looking more than a little pregnant. Word got around. There was a meme on the internet...or so I'm told. One day a reporter came sniffing for details." She shrugged. "We didn't have any, so we sent him packing." She stood her ground, forcing herself to meet her ex-husband's eye.

"And you didn't think to tell me any of this?" Castle's voice was as calm as a sociopath, just the barest hint of a tremor underneath.

"Rick, you were so miserable after you stopped working with her…"

"Yeah, we figured why add fuel to the fire," Paula pitched in, torturing the word 'fire' with her adenoidal Queens accent.

"We had no idea the kid might be yours until I started asking around," Gina admitted. Her cheeks took on a faint hint of blush which Castle sincerely hoped might be shame.

"And?"

She lowered her eyes. "I found out that she split up with that doctor she was seeing. But even that didn't seem concrete until…"

"Until what?" Castle pressed.

"Until you started losing your shit over Nikki Heat and trying to palm us off with that pirate crap," Paula filled in for her. "You might as well have taken a billboard in Times Square. It was obvious you'd slept with her and fallen... _hard._ "

Castle clenched his fists and turned away.

Gina reached out to touch his arm but he shrugged her off. "Don't," he hissed through gritted teeth.

"Rick, come on. Let's go sit down…we can talk about this new book idea you've been working on. I'm sure it's great."

When Castle turned back to face both women he was shaking his head. "No. No, there will be no _book_ discussion until I can look both of you in the eye and not despise what I see."

"Come on, Ricky. Don't be like that. All's well that ends well," Paula cajoled. "You got your detective back, right? And a son. Wow! That's massive."

Castle's voice was chilly and controlled. "Everyone I know has betrayed me. Don't you get that? I missed my son's birth because you and you and my mother…even my own daughter, decided that you knew what was best for me. You all knew better than I did. Well, I hope you can live with yourselves because when my son grows up and asks for the story of his birth, I won't be able to tell him how I rushed with his mom to the hospital, how I held her hand and breathed through the pain with her, how I watched his little head appear or cut the umbilical cord. Because thanks to all of you, _I wasn't even there!_ " he bellowed.

Shaking and out of words, he turned on his heel and retreated to the elevator. His sight was too blurred to hit the call button at first attempt, and he jabbed hard, hissing through his teeth as pain shot up his arm. He was grim-faced when he finally sank back against the elevator wall, sickened and exhausted. He missed the wretched looks on Gina and Paula's faces, keeping his eyes trained on the floor until the doors slid closed. Only then did he allow himself the tears he had been holding back for days.

* * *

 _Thank you for your lovely reviews and messages. We might not have a show anymore or our beloved Caskett, but we've still got each other to keep the dream alive. Hope everyone's having a good weekend._


	14. Chapter 14

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 14_

After Castle left to see Gina, Kate spent some of the time unpacking the few belongings she had brought down from the cabin for herself and the baby. She neatly stored them in the couple of drawers the writer had emptied out for her, taking the opportunity to get organized while the baby napped.

She roamed the boundaries of Castle's bedroom timidly at first, picking up items of interest along the way with wary care, almost as if she feared she might be being watched. She looked most closely at the numerous framed photographs of Castle with Alexis that dotted many surfaces, photos taken at a range of ages and in a variety of settings – top of the Empire State, Central Park Zoo, riding the big wheel at Venice Beach in California. But she paused longest with a silver-framed, black and white photograph of Alexis as an infant. Her face was pale and round as the moon and her large eyes seemed almost translucent as she lay in her father's arms. Kate drew a finger over the glass, noting tiny similarities between both babies, similarities she would most likely have missed pre-motherhood, back when every baby looked the same. Newborn Alexis had a wary vigilance she'd caught in her own son's face in the three short weeks he'd been on this earth. Despite being far too young to see and understand anything, Kate felt certain it was there, in the quiet, watchful stillness he could maintain for long minutes at a time. There were sibling similarities, of that she was sure, despite the difference in their age, sex and natural coloring.

A light tap on the bedroom door made her jump and she clutched the silver frame to her chest. Her cheeks heated guiltily at the fact of being caught snooping, though she was certain Castle wouldn't mind her having a look around. He'd poked in and about her life deeply enough that there would be no room for complaint in any case.

"Only me," Martha half-sang, half-whispered, before popping her head around the door. "Time for a cup of tea?" Castle's mother asked. She made no effort to hide the slow scan she performed of her son's bedroom, taking in every little change, from the half-made bed to the newly installed travel crib and the wheeled case lying open at the bottom of the bed with its contents spilling out onto the rug.

The bedroom looked untidy, Kate imagined, if you saw it through Martha's eyes. Two interlopers cluttering the stylish zen her son had managed to create for himself inside his expensive, grown-up boudoir.

Kate carefully replaced the photo frame on its original spot atop the dresser and then she turned to face the actress. "I was going to take James for a walk in his BabyBjörn. But he's still sleeping so…" She offered Castle's mother a pleasant smile.

"Good. That's settled. I'll put the kettle on," Martha nodded, immediately withdrawing from the room, giving her no opportunity to refuse the suggestion that they take tea together.

Kate disliked being manipulated, and this invitation felt distinctly like a setup. But for however long she and James remained under Castle's roof, getting along with Martha would make their stay easier. Just two days into this complex family scenario, no logistics had been discussed. Kate got the strong impression that Castle was trying to temper his enthusiasm for her benefit. Past experience would have suggested the writer would be rushing to settle things to his own liking by now, making far grander gestures than simply clearing two dresser drawers. Indeed she wouldn't have put it beyond possibility for him to return home this afternoon with a walnut-sized diamond ring in a velvet-lined box and drop to one knee.

She shivered at the thought.

She had missed him to the point of mourning over the last ten months. And she knew what mourning felt like. But it was a strange time, a confusing mix of emotions, none of them comfortable to have to live with or experience. Her feelings of grief had been tempered by a restless, indignant anger at his apparent abandonment of both her and his blameless unborn child. Castle had been the one constant in her messy life over the last three years. Much as she hadn't wanted to rely on him in the beginning, she had come to, without even realizing how much until he was gone.

When she had dug her nails into his muscular buttocks that fateful night in her bed, urging his body deeper and deeper inside hers, the fog of lust and pheromones were but a whiff of the true story. Her heart had been more in control than her hormones that night. And her brain had excused her betrayal of Josh as a mere detail of timing, since her coupling with Castle was more about love, while her feelings for the doctor had become lukewarm and staler the longer she mentally disengaged. Absence had not made her heart grow fonder, not the way constancy, kindness, courage and loyalty had. The strong sexual attraction, synchronicity and the playfulness that had always existed between Kate and the writer was just the cherry on the cake. Going through her pregnancy without him by her side had scarred her deep down, and that was a regret she was having to work to overcome in real time.

* * *

She went to the en suite bathroom and quickly brushed her hair. Her face in the mirror betrayed her – lack of sleep had inked dark circles beneath each eye and the lines either side of her mouth had deepened with worry and exhaustion. She scowled at her reflection and left the room.

James was stretched out in the crib, his skinny arms thrown above his head, mouth puckered into a plump little roundel. He made a sucking motion in his sleep and his chin moved along with this rhythm, dimpling and relaxing amid his perfect newborn face. She smiled despite her bone-deep fatigue, turned up the baby monitor and clipped the portable parent unit to her hip to go and face the music in the living room.

Martha had set up a tray for them on the coffee table in front of the sofa. Like an exotic Audubon bird, with her rich, Kelly green plumage, she sat waiting, rigidly, amidst the dark leather cushions. Kate felt washed out and grubby by comparison in her oversized white shirt, grey tank top and black leggings. Martha's ankles were crossed debutant style, and her embellished shoes sparkled like the contents of a jewel box. Kate's ballet flats were practical and plain. For a fleeting second she wondered how Castle's mother had dressed to care for her own newborn all those years ago.

The sartorial difference between them today would have felt like some kind of power play had she not already been aware that Martha Rodgers dressed up like this to greet all of life - from the handyman, to the dentist and the bodega owner to the deliveryman. She was one of life's natural peacocks, and that's all there was to it. Any agenda the actress harbored was in her head, and therefore harder to intuit until she decided to share her thoughts with Kate. The playbook for this scenario was standard fare – a mother's drive to protect a beloved son from a broken heart and potential financial harm. That made anticipating the questions relatively easy, providing Martha played her role and stuck to the script. But having this knowledge ahead of time didn't really help. It only made for an uncomfortable anticipation of the conversation that was sure to follow.

* * *

"Sit, darling. You look dead on your feet," Martha chirped, patting the cushion beside her.

Kate did as she was told, since giving in to her exhaustion only worked in her favor at this point.

Martha played mother - pouring the tea - while Kate took these few precious moments of peace to relax and rid her mind of any irritation that her scuppered plans to take a walk outside had spawned.

For the first ten minutes they exchanged polite chitchat about nothing of any real consequence while they quietly sipped their tea. Slowly, Kate felt her frustration beginning to mount. Stories about theater classes and Alexis' long list of extracurricular interests, while diverting, were pretty far from the point right now. Just a couple of days in to putting the pieces of her estranged relationship with Castle back together, and she expected his mother to address more of substance than dinner party gossip and ballet classes while they were alone and had the chance.

In the end, nerves got the better of her, and she took the bull by the horns in order to wrestle back a little control. "You know, Martha, I don't blame you for questioning James' paternity," Kate led off with.

Martha's posture stiffened a fraction with the cup halfway to her lips. At first she seemed not to hear, as she continued the cup's path, sipping without making any flicker or comment. This failure to respond to Kate's bold opener spoke volumes in itself.

Kate decided to push a little more. "And I understand why you'd still be wary now…even after seeing how much they look alike. I guess if being a mother has taught me anything it's that you will stop at nothing to protect your child." Of course this statement worked both ways, since they were both mothers now, a fact that put them on a more equal footing, in this situation at least.

Martha finally set her teacup down gently in its saucer and smiled. "So you _do_ understand," she said, reaching out to pat Kate's arm.

But Kate stood her ground. "Rick needs to know his son." She knew Castle would back her one hundred percent on that point. She could see how he'd fallen in love with their baby already, in the space of a mere couple of days.

Martha was as cool as a cucumber when she turned to Kate and asked, "And you…what do you need, my dear?" She looked at Kate unblinking, her chin tipped up in a regal manner.

Kate swallowed her anger at Martha's insinuation and offered her own sort of reply. "I've made mistakes where Castle is concerned. But I've paid dearly for those mistakes. We both have."

Martha was not so easily cowed.

"I watched my son suffer for months because you were unsure of your feelings towards him. I don't want him suffering anymore."

Kate clenched her hands beneath her thighs. She had to fight the indignation rising like bile in her throat to answer as calmly as she did. "You won't have to. I can give you my word."

Martha gave her an arched-eyebrow stare. "So…this thing with the doctor is definitely over?"

"It was over before I got pregnant."

"And your feelings for Richard? You're…sure of your heart?"

Kate nodded, submitting to the indignity of this intensely personal cross-examination for the greater good of family harmony. "I love your son. The day we met outside the theater, when I gave you that twenty week sonogram, I thought I had made that perfectly clear."

Martha's expression hardened. Kate caught just a flicker of panic before, like the seasoned actress she was, she hid it from view. Castle's mother pressed her lips together. "He must never hear of that."

Kate started to shake her head. "I won't lie to him anymore. Not if he asks me outright."

Martha grabbed her hand and squeezed it desperately. "If you'd seen him you would understand. What I did was for the best."

Kate fought to keep her voice even. "The best for whom? Rick is a family man through and through. Do you believe for a second that he's not beating himself up for missing out on this pregnancy? For not being able to attend every doctor appointment, to choose silly names, to read to his unborn son…for not being present at the _birth?_ Can you really sit there and say that what you did was for the best?"

Before Martha could answer any of Kate's challenges, there was the shocking sound of a key turning in the lock. Martha looked anxiously at Kate and hissed, "Please, not a word. He'll be so angry with me."

But instead of the son came the daughter - taller than Kate remembered, still redheaded and bouncy with youth. Alexis threw her bag on the floor and turned for the kitchen without realizing there was anyone there. Martha opened her mouth like a fish to call out to her granddaughter just as the baby monitor crackled to life and James let out a lusty cry.

* * *

 _Thank you for reading._


	15. Chapter 15

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 15_

Blindly, Castle rode the elevator down fourteen floors. Seconds ticked by in which he fought to pull himself together. He had no choice but to force the dreadful feeling of betrayal back down inside, somewhere deep and unreachable, just so that he could make it out of his publisher's building without breaking down and then continue to function when he got outside.

Grateful for the short time in which to be alone in this rapidly sinking steel box, he blew his nose and dried his eyes before stuffing the dampened handkerchief back into his pocket with a loud clearing of his throat.

Just when he thought he was getting a home run all the way to the lobby, the elevator slowed. The doors slid open and a man and a woman got on at the fifth floor. Castle moved into the back corner of the car to make room for them, and he was thankful when they carried on their earnest conversation without worrying in the slightest about the prospect of being overheard.

For the first time since he had achieved notable success as a writer, he felt the prickly sensation of being invisible. It was not an alien experience for him. Years of moving from school to school as a child had taught him early on that invisibility could be his friend. Fly below the radar and the bullies pass you over for someone weaker, someone who makes a more obvious target. Once he grew in stature, both physically and intellectually, he began to wish for company and to get a taste for being noticed. When he started getting laughs for his quick wit and clowning and he wanted to be thought of as 'someone', only then did the ability to blend in become a choice; a skill he could switch on or off at will. Today was one such day. So he kept his head down and all but merged with the faux-wood paneling behind him. As a result, the earnest couple in the elevator barely registered his existence.

His phone rang as soon as he hit the street, the open sky reconnecting him to his cell service. Caller I.D. showed that the person he least wanted to talk to right now - his ex-wife and publisher, Gina - was on the line. He rejected the call and tucked his phone back into his jacket. He was too upset to go home right away, so when he spotted a new coffee shop across the street, he headed for it like a homing pigeon. A shot of espresso and a few blocks walking in the sunshine would be just the thing to clear his head before he went back to the loft to deal with his mother.

Takeout cup in hand, he headed south down Fifth Avenue. He paused when he reached the New York Public library, deciding on a whim to take a seat on the steps where he could finish his coffee in solitude and watch the world go by. This was an ancient New York pleasure that he had often enjoyed in the past. It was also a pleasure he'd not had much time for since he began following the NYPD. So when the pull of the bone-white steps tugged at him like the string of a kite, he went gladly, offering zero resistance.

He sat down next to Patience, the marble lion on the south side of the library steps, and watched as an old man took his grandson by the hand and together they climbed the worn stairs towards him. The young boy was chattering happily about Minions, from what Castle could hear. He talked in breathless tones about Scarlet Overkill, Kevin, and Bob, blissfully unaware of the funny look the elder gentleman gave Castle as he neared, eyebrows raised as if to say, "Kids today, they speak a different language." Castle smiled at the old man and raised his coffee cup in greeting when the pair eventually moved past. Slowly, he felt himself reconnecting with the world, a world from which he had withdrawn over the months he believed he'd lost Kate to the dashing, philanthropic heart surgeon. It felt good to be a part of something again, something more suited to his psyche than the pursuit of fictional pirate kings or mournfully hiding under his comforter all day.

While he drained the last of his coffee and prepared to make a move for home, he turned to look the other way at the traffic flowing south down Fifth, assessing the number of cabs heading downtown at this hour. A yellow taxi pulled up to the curb in front of him and a man and woman got out. Unusually, so did the stocky little driver, who headed to the rear of the newer style Nissan cab to remove a fancy stroller from the trunk. Castle froze. The _Stokke Xplory V4_ and in purple no less - Kate's favorite color, he was sure. This was _the_ stroller he had his heart set on persuading her to allow him to buy for James. At over $1400 all in he knew she'd kick back based on price alone, but his cunning plan was to focus on the height adjustment feature, given she was so tall. He'd sell her on less backache and the benefits of being eye-to-eye with James as they strolled the city's potholed streets together. When he saw this little family get themselves organized after exiting the cab, his yearning for his son hit him right in the chest. He might have been betrayed by many of the women in his life, but his baby boy was blameless, and right now all he wanted was a cuddle, something only three days ago he hadn't even known was possible.

* * *

Castle came racing in through the front door, throwing it open so hard that it rebounded off the stopper and slammed shut behind him with a loud report not unlike gunfire. Out of breath, he hurried through the living room towards his bedroom, oblivious to the two shocked women slowly rising from the sofa, their mouths agape in surprise.

By the time Kate reached the bedroom, Castle was hovering over the crib, his body paused but somehow still in motion. His muscles were rigid with tension and she could see the tick of his jaw every time he clenched his teeth.

"Rick?"

He spun round, raking a hand through his hair, the look in his eyes was one of frantic worry. "Where is he? Where's James?" he asked hoarsely.

"Upstairs. With Alexis," she calmly explained, holding her hands up to mollify him. "He's fine. They both are." She smiled, inwardly relieved at how smoothly things had gone with Alexis when she arrived home to be presented with her half-brother for the first time.

When the writer didn't move, Kate came closer, close enough to reach out and gently touch his arm. Castle flinched and they both froze at that.

Each parting and coming together again – whether merely to sleep or during an actual physical separation like today's meeting – took time to overcome. After months of separation and the forced reprograming they'd both undergone, it was to be expected. They had spent that terrible time half-longing for and half-learning to dislike the other as a result of forces and false beliefs unknown. Like the neural plasticity demanded of the brain after a head injury, they were strangers for those first few seconds, before history and familiarity drew them close again, adapting to deal with their joint hurt and finding a workaround to enable them to have a future together.

Kate took the lead this time, refusing to be rebuffed.

"Castle, talk to me," she demanded, reaching for him again and feeling a rush of relief when he didn't shake her off or back away.

"I just wanted to hold him," he replied, explaining nothing.

His face was ashen, his eyes slightly red-rimmed and puffy, she noticed. Sweat beaded his hairline and Kate wondered how far he'd actually run. He seemed so badly disappointed not to find his son lying in his crib that it worried her.

"I need to hold him," he repeated, looking lost and unsure what else to do or say.

Kate drew him over to an armchair in the corner. She gently forced him to sit, and then she sat down on the arm of the chair so that she could remain close while they talked. Babies picked up on stress and Castle was in no fit state to hold their child. That much was clear. The baby was currently upstairs getting to know his half-sister, both cuddling, chilled and happy in Alexis' bedroom when Kate had left them alone to resume her private discussion with Martha.

"What happened? Did something happen when you were out?" She looked at her father's watch. "I didn't expect you back so soon. Did your meeting with Gina not go well?"

Castle tipped forward in the chair, dropping his head into his hands. He seemed restless and unfocused. Kate tentatively placed her palm in the middle of his back. She splayed her fingers wide and held them there for comfort and a little warmth. Whatever this was, it was about more than the fallout from a publisher's meeting gone sour. Gina might anger him at times, but he never took it this seriously and he never stayed mad for long. "Castle, talk to me," she pleaded, rubbing his back. "I want to help you."

He took a deep breath and blew it out again. He took another one and repeated the process before he finally spoke. "They all betrayed me," he said, after a couple more seconds of staring at the carpet. His voice sounded strangled and strangely flat. "Every last one."

Kate frowned. "Who betrayed you? _Gina?_ I…I don't understand."

A sound of deep frustration left Castle's chest and slowly, he sat back in the chair, turning slightly so that he could look at her. "Gina, Paula, my mother…even Alexis. They were all complicit in keeping me from you…in hiding the fact that you were pregnant. Even when they could _see_ how miserable I was. How could they _do_ that?" he implored her.

Kate shifted uncomfortably. "Do you really think that's what happened? That it's all their fault?"

"Kate, there were reporters on the story. Paula said there was a Goddamn _meme_ on the internet…"

Her brown knit suddenly. "What? _How?_ "

He waved his hand dismissively. "Some vlogger saw you coming out of your doctor's office...did the math," he shrugged. "Word got out, people started to speculate…Paula guessed that we'd slept together when I dropped Nikki Heat." He looked up at her, mystified. "How did I end up being so out of the loop?" he wondered aloud.

Kate was wondering that too. Paula and Gina must be better at their jobs than she ever gave them credit for if they managed to fend off gossip journalists with their noses on the scent of a story as juicy as this. To keep Castle away from them and vice versa was quite a feat to have to pull off.

"I don't know. Maybe you withdrew a little too far?" she suggested kindly. "God knows I wasn't out there partying. I was exhausted even on desk duty. Most nights I came straight home, had a bath, ate something and went to sleep."

Castle chuckled wryly, surprising Kate, and even this half-hearted effort at humor was a massive relief. "Sounds about the same as my life…minus the desk duty..."

" _...and the bath_ ," they both added in sync, grinning at one another like idiots.

Kate felt something ease within her chest, and she laid a hand on Castle's shoulder and squeezed. "Martha explained how lonely you were…how you shut yourself off from everything. For my part, I'm sorry, Castle. I wish we'd handled it better. I wish I'd been more persistent or that I'd seen you that day at the precinct. We would have been the best support for each other…I know no one else comes close for me."

Castle turned and leaned in. He dropped his head against Kate's stomach in a kind of surrender and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and curled her body over his. "We'll get there," she promised, squeezing her eyes tightly shut as she stroked the back of his head, holding her secret inside. "We'll get there."

Things would never be the same. But, maybe, this time, they could be better. She could only love him and hope.

* * *

 _Thank you for reading. One more chapter to go, guys. :)_


	16. Chapter 16

_Fear of Rejection_

 _Chapter 16_

The quiet of late evening had settled throughout the Castle loft like a warm blanket. After a peaceful family dinner, which was only interrupted by the protracted crying jag of an overtired baby on a couple of occasions, Kate had retreated to the serenity of Castle's bedroom to feed James and settle him down for the night. With the baby asleep she showered and dressed for bed, grateful for the help and the rest that being back in the city with her partner was affording her. Being a new mom felt a million times more pleasurable than it had just a few days ago, back when she was coping by herself, baring the weight of every decision - big and small - on her shoulders.

Half an hour later, Kate glanced up to see Castle padding barefoot across the bedroom floor, a bottle of water in each hand. He was dressed in a gray t-shirt and navy boxer shorts. His hair, still damp from the shower, shone carbon black in the lamplight. Outside the windows, the sky retreated from the day to hide beneath a star cloth curtain of deepest indigo. Kate missed the cabin in the woods at moments like this, where those stars could be seen with the naked eye for miles. With their twinkly perfection suspended high above the lake, she felt she could reach up and touch them, run her fingers through their glittering expanse like she could through the sparkling water below. But the cabin could wait. Right now, this was where she needed to be and it was also where she wanted to be, more importantly.

"You look tired," she remarked quietly, though not unkindly, as Castle approached her side of the bed. His shoulders were slightly rounded, but the darkness beneath his eyes and the solemn set to his mouth were what really gave his mood away. He was more than tired, but there was no good way to put that into words that didn't come off sounding critical. So tired it was.

Kate was sitting propped up against the headboard with a book open in her lap while James lay in the middle of the mattress sleeping soundly.

Castle handed her a bottle of water and set his own bottle down on the nightstand, before gingerly climbing up into bed. The mattress was so firm that there was barely a tremor from his added weight. Castle hovered over his sleeping son, watching him intently, such a wistful look on his face. He stroked the soft velour toe of the baby's white footie pajamas and then he eased himself backward to settle in beside Kate.

She set her book aside to give him her full attention. "Hey, what's wrong?" she asked. She toyed with the sheet covering her lap, nerves licking at her scalp. "You look troubled. I thought your chat with Alexis went well. She seemed to accept James this afternoon. Happy even."

Castle nodded, mulling things over in his mind. His talk with Alexis had been a difficult one, but they had reached a truce and he felt pretty confident that she wouldn't be keeping things from him for the foreseeable future. At least until her secrets were her own to keep - about boys, parties, drinking and the like.

"In fact, I'd go so far as to say she was excited to have a little brother," Kate added, which was the truth. She'd watched the redhead melt this afternoon when she'd placed the baby in Alexis' open arms.

Castle nodded again and released a heavy sigh. "Yeah, she is. Really excited. I think she'll be a big help to both of you."

The words came out right, but he still sounded so tense and down.

Kate jostled his shoulder. "So what's the problem? Talk to me. You're not still mad about that wine glass your mother broke?"

He frowned but shook his head. "No. No, I'm just finding it hard to get my head around everything I missed out on with this one." He looked at his sleeping son with total adoration. But his expression was tinged with sadness.

Kate's heart ached for him. She couldn't change the past. They could only look to the future. "He's three weeks old, Rick," she gently pointed out. "He won't ever remember you not being there for him." Though true, this fact offered scant comfort or consolation. Kate understood that, but it was all she had to offer him right now.

"But _I'll_ remember," he insisted, jabbing at his own chest. "I'll remember how I changed my routine to avoid any chance of running into you. I'll remember how a charity appeal from _Doctors Without Borders_ made me want to punch a wall. I'll remember how I used to lie awake at night wondering if you were safe, whether you had a new partner, what cases you were working…if you even missed me at all." He was out of breath by the time his quiet fury at his own decisions burned itself out.

Kate reached across the few inches that separated them and she slid her arm around Castle's shoulders, tugging just a little to get him to come to her. When he refused to budge, she tugged harder, finally succeeding in getting him to curl into her side. He settled a little further down the bed, resting his head on her chest. Their legs fanned out like a vee with the baby lying blissful between them.

"I missed you like crazy, Castle. _Every. Single. Day,_ " Kate stressed.

"Yeah?" He sounded doubtful, but at least he was listening.

" _Yes,"_ she insisted. "So when you think back on that time, I want you to remember it like that. Not some wild plot from your over-active imagination. Remember that I was alone and scared when I found out I was pregnant…but also know how powerful I felt, knowing that I was carrying your child inside of me. Even when we weren't together, I still had a part of you with me, Castle. That gave me hope that one day we'd be back in each other's lives in some form or other."

Castle squeezed her hand in gratitude and they fell into a contemplative silence for a few moments.

Eventually, Kate cleared her throat. "When I felt our baby move for the first time, I wanted to pick up the phone and call you," she confessed.

"What stopped you?" He held his breath for her answer.

She half-shrugged. "Mostly a fear of rejection, I guess. Remember I thought you'd seen the first sonogram and decided you wanted nothing to do with us."

Castle pressed his lips to her temple and squeezed his eyes tightly shut. "Oh, Kate," he lamented, drawing a deep breath and letting it out slowly. The warm air ruffled her hair. "We made such a mess of things."

"Yeah, well, we had help, turns out."

"I still can't get over that. Alexis says she's sorry. My mother…" he shook his head. "I'm not sure what's going on with her."

"She's just being protective of you," Kate explained, trying to shut that booby-trapped door all too quickly.

But Castle frowned. "Did she say anything today...after I went out?"

Kate bit her lip, hedging before answering. While she didn't want to lie, she wasn't sure his relationship with his mother could stand another hard knock right now. "Not much. We made our peace, I think. Came to an understanding."

Before he could probe for any further detail about his mother's behavior, Kate steered them onto a safer, happier, more positive track. "You know, there _is_ something we can do that might make you feel better."

Castle's head popped up from her chest and he grinned wickedly. Kate laughed at the naughty look on his face. "Not that. Not yet."

Castle made a sad face, which made Kate laugh even harder. "Shh," she grinned, pointing at the sleeping baby. "This is better. I promise."

"What could _possibly_ be better than that?"

"I want us to change the birth certificate," she announced.

There was silence after she said this and she wondered if maybe he hadn't heard her. So she ventured a little further to explain. "I had to file the original without an Acknowledgement of Paternity. The deadline is five day after filing. It was too soon to work up the nerve to try and contact you again. But we can submit one now and get James' birth certificate altered to show your name as his father. How would you feel about that?"

He kissed her soundly, pouring all of his gratitude into this answering kiss. Kate smiled against his mouth when they broke apart, feeling a crazy, reckless kind of love for him that made no sense beyond them finally being together in all the ways that mattered to them both. "You know I have something else you might like too," she whispered in his ear.

"Go on," he purred, stealing another kiss from her just because he could.

"I have a photo," she murmured, running her finger along his jawline as she watched his face for a reaction.

Castle's voice sounded warm and sexy in her ear. "What kind of photo?" She could feel his heart thudding a little faster.

"A nude," she told him boldly. "Well, an _almost nude_ ," she clarified.

"A _nude?_ " He almost choked and she had to shush him again. "You have a _nude photo?_ Kate Beckett. Since when?"

Kate smiled, she looked a little bashful but also like that cat that got the cream. "Mm-hmm. It's from when I was pregnant. Lanie took it. I was taking a nap in my apartment. The light in the bedroom that morning was...so beautiful," she told him, sounding wistful in her remembrance.

They kissed again, slow and lazy this time, melting into one another with each stroke of the tongue and the scorch of wandering hands, only pulling back when things started to get a little too heated.

"Tell me more about this photo," Castle whispered against her cheek. He laid his hand flat on her belly and she drew a startled breath. Remembering she could trust him, knowing how beautifully he touched her, even with the recent changes to her body, she relaxed.

"I'm lying on my bed. It's a black and white. Kind of arty. I thought I looked... _big_. But Lanie told me I was beautiful. She can be... _persuasive_ when she wants to be," Kate laughed. "So I let her take it. She thought maybe you might want to see...someday. So..." she finished with a half-shrug.

Kate seemed a little shy about the whole thing, but Castle seemed almost reverent.

"Lanie said that?"

"She never gave up on us, Castle. She was my biggest support through everything. Some nights she stayed over. She did that a lot near the end. I had— Well, let's just say some days were harder than others. She was there whenever I needed her. I owe her a lot, Rick. I put her through a lot."

Castle sighed again, a sound so mournful it hurt. "I would have been there if she would have called me, Kate." He rubbed her back and then nuzzled his face into her neck, needing to feel close to her. His skin felt warm against hers. He smelled of a clean, sharp mix of lemons and peppercorns.

"I know," Kate nodded, carding her fingers through his hair. "I know that now. But I told her not to. I told them all the same thing. I made them swear, Castle. I'm sorry. I messed this up for both of us."

"Shh," he whispered against her temple. "It's not all your fault."

Kate yawned with relief to hear him say that. "Wow. I'm exhausted just talking. I haven't talked this much in a really long time."

Castle smiled softly. "Well, I appreciate it. Filling in the blanks is— It helps me imagine better."

Kate eased up onto one elbow. "Oh, I almost forgot. I have a box at my apartment."

"What kind of box?"

"A baby box. A box of things I kept for you. I have his hospital wrist bracelet, a set of inky footprints. A _ton_ of photographs Espo took right after the birth. I look a sweaty mess but I didn't want you to miss out. And I kept the first outfit he wore when we came home from the hospital. So you see, I wanted you to be a part of everything. Even when you weren't around, I was still thinking about you."

"You don't know how much it means to hear you say that," Castle told her. "Thank you. It means a lot."

Kate hadn't thought about this before she said it, but as she did, she realized that it was true. "You'll always be James' father, Castle. No matter what happened in the past. No one can take that away from us."

He hugged her tightly, overwhelmed with gratitude for the effort she had made to include him in his child's life despite the rejection she believed to be the truth.

* * *

"You know...I'd love to do this again someday," Castle murmured several minutes later.

"Do what?" Kate asked, lazily watching her baby sleep while Castle played with her fingers.

"Make another baby with you."

Kate laughed a little hysterically.

"Not right away, obviously," he added.

" _Obviously._ Like in ten years or something."

Castle grinned as he stroked the slight swell of her stomach, still fascinated by this softer, more curvaceous version of Kate. "Maybe sooner than that. And definitely before I get too old to push a stroller, but yeah..."

Kate rolled over to kiss him, boldly pushing her mouth against his. "I'd like that too."

"You would?" He seemed surprised she'd agreed so readily.

"Yes," Kate answered softly, snuggling into his side while he slipped his hand beneath her tank top and stroked the dip of her spine.

"We need a better story next time," he mused.

"A better story?"

"Mm. One where your waters break somewhere utterly inappropriate and I rush you to the hospital in your Charger with the siren and the lights and then you squeeze my hand so hard that you break my little finger."

She nodded through a dopey grin. "Ah, that story. My hero."

"I will take the best care of you, Kate. You and James are my number one priority from now on."

"And no more pirates?"

He grinned into her hair. "Promise. No more pirates."

Kate hummed with pleasure when he sucked on her earlobe and then flicked it with his tongue.

"Speaking of pirates. I meant to ask. What were you and my mother talking about after dinner while I was clearing the kitchen with Alexis? You seemed thick as thieves. Or maybe pirates," he added, waggling his eyebrows as he laughed at his own joke.

Kate thought back to her private conversation with Martha where she'd quietly asked the older woman what she'd done with the second sonogram image Kate had given her the day they met outside the theater in Midtown. Martha told her that she'd thrown it in a garbage can in Times Square and that they should never speak of it again because her son would be sure to throw her out on the street if he ever found out. Just for a moment, before she hid it from view, Martha Rodgers had looked genuinely scared.

Kate swallowed roughly and ran her hand down over Castle's arm, teasing the golden hairs as she went. "We were talking about you, of course." She forced a smile.

Castle turned his cheek, hiding his own smile of satisfaction in the cotton of her tank top. She felt him grin as he snuggled into her. " _Me?_ " he asked, as guileless as a child.

Kate nodded. "Of course," she promised, as she kissed the top of his head and whispered goodnight.

* * *

 _Okay, folks, we've come to the end of the tale as I originally wrote it, so I'm going to mark it complete. There are clearly some scenes that could be added - I've made a list - but I don't want to drag it out without good reason. So I'll give some thought to any additional chapters and write them before I post anymore as I did with all the others in this story._

Thank you to everyone who took the time to review and to share your enthusiasm along the way. This tale was written in its entirety before the whole mess with ABC kicked off. I'm not sure I could have started it now. Anyway, _thank you once again for your company. It has been a genuine pleasure and an honor to be a part of this fandom. If Firefly can live on long after just one season, I'm sure Castle will too after so many great years. I hope those loyal fans, who've stuck with the show from beginning to end, receive the finale they deserve on Monday night. Until next time, take care. Liv xx_


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